This is a nice piece. I like the way you connected religion and war through your anaphora. I also thought there were some very creative images and lines such as the motherless babies line. Personifying heat was also a clever idea and you did it well. With that said I would also like to mention that I still think there are some problems with this piece. First of all I think it could handle some more stanzas. Why not break every "Good God" line to highlight your anaphora? On the other hand it m...

This is very loving and sweet and if I was your wife I would think you were the greatest person alive. As far as urbis goes here is my critique: "Which make a mockery of all the times" this line is reading awkwardly along with the preceeding and following lines in the stanza. I think the word "times" is throwing it off. Changing it would distort your rhyme, but it's not flowing well as it is. It's not rhyming traditionally, which I think is good, but the line is still awkward. I would suggest...

I like the message behind this poem and I think you've said it well, especially up until the last ten lines. When your poem reaches this point it starts to waver around the realm of cliche. Lines like "hear their prayer" and "fore they are free" are making your poem suffer. I think you could convey your meaning through more original and image packed language. Your language starts to become abstract and archaic (example - "if we do fight" - if we fight.) Good Luck.

Very clever. You have some great lines. I love their hug, has a nice sound to it. Bravo. I think you could ad an ly to the word bad. They feel badly alone. I think you could ad an s to the word names. You'd like to know their names. Now since this is flash fiction I think you could maybe spend some time talking about your other six children because I am wondering who they are. The comma, maybe the semi-colon. It would be interesting if you could come up with some cute clever stories about the...

bravo on such a concise and well rounded found poem. that is not easy to do and I am impressed. Some lines could go. Discovery for example. It seems out of place and what is it telling me? I don't think it's necessary. I also think you could weave together some of your lines to make it so there are less one liners. One liners are dangerous I think because it's hard to hold up the poem with just one word. Nice work.

Using lucky twice in a row (first two sentences) is off-putting. In the end of the first paragraph - Matt claimed what was too stiff (insert your own off color joke here). His style was too stiff, eh? I would think of a synonym for style and insert it into the last line. I like how you question your intentions about the malice. "A lot" - how many things do you have in common? Clarification here would be nicer than "a lot" anything would be nicer than "a lot" I think you could use a new paragr...

Most of this is beautiful. I do think that there are some revisions you could make in order to improve. I would take out (the) in front of (heavens). It sounds better without the article. I would replace the word soul with a symbol. Soul makes the poem sound, I don't know cliche? The ocean could be looking for something concrete that would represent what you are trying to convey. I would replace sorrow with another word for crying. You have set up this stanza with tears quite nicely, I can im...

I'm sorry but this metaphor feels a little used. I think you are trying to play with it by mentioning the difference between this puppet boy and Pinocchio but I don't think it distorts this already used metaphor enough. The fact that he isn't changed and that his nose shrinks don't even seem to play any part in your poem aside from the fact that they are in there to say "oh no, dear reader, this puppet is far different from that other puppet boy you've heard of before." So I think you need to...

First of all nice job. The subtle rhyme working in this poem is nice and not over the top. Bravo. I will say that I think that meaning of your poem is being lost in some of your abstract language. The biggest tripping point is your first line. The word eternity is throwing me off as a reader. I think you have used abstraction quite nicely in the second line by anchoring the word love to something more concrete (ugly dream). I would suggest doing that with your first line as well. It helps to ...

It's not very fair to quote shakespeare in your poem unless you give him credit. If you are going to write a limerick it would be nice if you counted out the beats so that your reader doesn't have to do the work for you. When I read this I have to slow down my flow and speed it up in parts to make the lines match up. You should have done that for my by setting a syllabic count. I think your message would be much more credible if you spent a little more time crafting your poem. Your second lin...