brokenhand's profile
AGE:
25
LOC: Bellingham, WA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 14
LOC: Bellingham, WA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 14
hey. I really like it when people just totally rip into me. I get more out of that, so dont be afraid to be mean to me, I can take it. It makes me work better. I constantly revise my work, even if I just change one word, or add on word, or delete five. So yeah, I also have an account on myspace where my blog is chalk full of poetry. There is just more there cuz I’ve been there longer. My name there is brokenhand also, so go look for me. I always appreciate criticism (all crit….).
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Version 4
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“Please to be restful. It is only a few crazies who have from the crazy place outbroken.” ~ William S. Burroughs I We lived on a terribly dark street that wound for about a half a mile. On one side was the great big Puget Sound; and even when I was little some wealthy people owned vacation homes on the sound side; but those of us who lived there were poor. We wouldn’t have known we were so undesirable had it not been for those rich folk, and so most of us resented them even ...
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Version 1
8 Reviews
10 Comments
- For Jennifer You are a wall and on you is a perfectly placed piece of patterned wallpaper that, after years of holding tightly, has started to slightly tare at the topmost corner. I am that tare. I think of ways to mend the rip glue, tape, something sticky, but all I've got is saliva and a few useless drops of blood. Plus I've noticed you look spectacular bare. Underneath you are green and smooth. I want to be more than a tare. I want to be a big gaping hole in your wallpaper. I want...
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Version 3
11 Reviews
18 Comments
“Please to be restful. It is only a few crazies who have from the crazy place outbroken.” ~ William S. Burroughs I We lived on a terribly dark street that wound for about a half a mile. On one side was the great big Puget Sound; and even when I was little some wealthy people owned vacation homes on the sound side; but those of us who lived there were poor. We wouldn’t have known we were so undesirable had it not been for those rich folk, and so most of us resented them even ...
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Version 2
0 Reviews
0 Comments
“Please to be restful. It is only a few crazies who have from the crazy place outbroken.” ~ William S. Burroughs I We lived on a terribly dark street that wound for about a half a mile. On one side was the great big Puget Sound; and even when I was little some wealthy people owned vacation homes on the sound side; but those of us who lived there were poor. We wouldn’t have known we were so undesirable had it not been for those rich folk, and so most of us resented them even ...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
6 Reviews
52 Comments
"Please to be restful. It is only a few crazies who have from the crazy place outbroken." ~ William S. Burroughs I We lived on a terribly dark street that wound for about a half a mile. On one side was the great big Puget Sound; and even when I was little some wealthy people owned vacation homes on the sound side; but those of us who lived there were poor. We wouldn't have known we were so undesirable had it not been for those rich folk, and so most of us resented them even though we tried no...
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It's not very fair to quote shakespeare in your poem unless you give him credit. If you are going to write a limerick it would be nice if you counted out the beats so that your reader doesn't have to do the work for you. When I read this I have to slow down my flow and speed it up in parts to make the lines match up. You should have done that for my by setting a syllabic count. I think your message would be much more credible if you spent a little more time crafting your poem. Your second lin...
First of all nice job. The subtle rhyme working in this poem is nice and not over the top. Bravo. I will say that I think that meaning of your poem is being lost in some of your abstract language. The biggest tripping point is your first line. The word eternity is throwing me off as a reader. I think you have used abstraction quite nicely in the second line by anchoring the word love to something more concrete (ugly dream). I would suggest doing that with your first line as well. It helps to ...
I'm sorry but this metaphor feels a little used. I think you are trying to play with it by mentioning the difference between this puppet boy and Pinocchio but I don't think it distorts this already used metaphor enough. The fact that he isn't changed and that his nose shrinks don't even seem to play any part in your poem aside from the fact that they are in there to say "oh no, dear reader, this puppet is far different from that other puppet boy you've heard of before." So I think you need to...
Most of this is beautiful. I do think that there are some revisions you could make in order to improve. I would take out (the) in front of (heavens). It sounds better without the article. I would replace the word soul with a symbol. Soul makes the poem sound, I don't know cliche? The ocean could be looking for something concrete that would represent what you are trying to convey. I would replace sorrow with another word for crying. You have set up this stanza with tears quite nicely, I can im...
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