_light green palm trees dance laughingly at me_ - not sure about the adverb. I know what you're trying to say but this seems a little clumsy... Maybe I'm just hypersensitive to adverbs having read a few books on writing which say to avoid over-using them. _Shaking my hand to rid the pain,_ - rid myself of the pain? This is also a repetition of both 'hand' and 'pain' from the last sentence. _and scrubbed. I scrubbed until_ - some repetition works well as emphasis but you've done it quite a few...

_I impatiently waited_ - adverb again. Show don't tell - you know the rule. Was he tapping his foot? Repeatedly pressing the button? Or did he just feel impatience rising within him? _as I knew her name, her image_ - delete comma Repetition of 'pieces' in the first paragraph. This is your writing Achilles Heel! We all have one. I wonder what mine is... I think it might be the use of... _Thank God it's empty, I thought when the elevator doors finally opened in front of me._ - better to describ...

_Plus, I wanted to, no, had to, see her again._ - Plus I wanted to - no - _had_ to see her again. The pink wall - if he'd seen it a million times, he probably wouldn't bother muttering about it. Rhododendron - no need to capitalise. _So, there's got to be...what in the fuck has gotten into you?_ - This would be better as introspection rather than this, which almost seems like a line spoken out loud; i.e. What the fuck had gotten into me? _shutting my conscious out._ - conscience? Going back t...

Pg 1 - I _think_ superintendent ought to be capitalised. _In 1998, he had been_ - I got confused who was who from this point. The 'he' here means the Superintendent, right? It took a few reads to establish this so maybe simplify the sentences here, or put in a clearer reference. Maybe change the 'DI' to 'Detective' or 'Argument' to more clearly signpost that Argument is a Detective prior to the line of dialogue? _no mousse left to hide inside._ - Not sure what this meant. The Superintendent w...

_chunk my book_ - chuck? 'Hurl' would be better. _As if destroying my book.....my life and my deeds._ - put this sentence in hyphens or brackets since it is separate from the rest of the sentence because it is a secondary thought. _mortal souls, a book is merely_ - : not comma Is this is a vampire diary then? I hadn't picked up on this before, but it makes sense with the first person narrative and it allows you to talk directly to the reader on occasion, as you do here. _making fun of his pat...

_“Open the keys to the heroic kingdom and empire of Fobourh,” chanted the mighty army_ - what, the whole army? This is a bit Life of Brian. Right, now don't take this the wrong way, but I think this is the wrong way to start your book, and I'll get right down to the reason for this rather than pointing out any other little things. I know _exactly_ why you have written it, because I've done the same in the past... 1. You have thought up this amazing back story, which lies beneath the main stor...

I tend to type as I read - bear with me... Your synopsis was enough to draw me into this, which is a sign of a good story idea. The concept seemed original and I was keen to read it, even though it was a later chapter. That said I think your story is struggling to surface through the translation exercise at times. As a monolinguist I am in awe of anyone able to speak two languages, let alone translate prose from one into the other, but that said, if you want this story to be successful in Eng...

I had just about finished an extensive review of this and my computer crashed. Grrr! That'll teach me to work outside of Word. Anyway, I will attempt to recreate the main points, although I lack the patience to go through looking for the errors I spotted the first time... Since your goals indicate that you want to be published at some stage I think you should reconsider both the opening to this story, and also the overall style of writing. The second point is not as radical as it sounds, I si...

_but it was only with great difficulty_ - I'd say 'it took a lot of concentration to block out...', and also then say 'those around her that were' to clarify that she is feeling the thoughts of other passengers. With these changes I don't think you need the first thought about her being an empath. It seemed a little OTT - like you felt the need to hammer the point home that she was an empath for any reader that didn't get it from the first sentence. _the view was worth noting_ - this seems a ...

The only improvement to the writing that I could see was in the letter, so no point pointing it out. The rest was well written - humorous and clearly expressed. The subject - love the disdainful tone taken about the paper's emotive take on the picture. On your view about delaying the devastation and on global warming being inevitable - I agree with the latter more than the former. The sad fact of the matter is that there is probably very little we can do to stop or even slow down global warmi...