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boysnightout's profile
AGE:
29
LOC: Phoenix, AZ
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 03
LOC: Phoenix, AZ
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: March 03
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Version 1
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can you count the stars as they burst above us they make us feel so big and bright at night when they fall upon us these are the times that matter most when we are forever young forever young at heart so lets spread our wings and take to flight with fingertips reaching towards a warming light energized by a love we sway in the currents of our beating hearts the instruments that play their parts that bring us together so we don't fall apart and when we flew across the sky we were nev...
Version 1
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I fear the words That may spill from my lips The thought that you may resist my urge to pursist So handle them with care (if you ever cared) The ones that mean everything The ones too feared to be said Will they ever burst and bloom How can I live in silence of you When you feel so close The longer I wait the farther you grow Your the lump in my throat The ache in my chest Sunday's best never viewed The clavicle never caressed The welcomed hint of new tears My trembling hands As I hold the ph...
Version 2
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Using me would be your next best step Getting what you want all the time This is one occasion I don’t mind I will play my part following your lead A game you lead by reign An infectious life of leading me on A brash turn of the cheek Hair snapped like a whip As lips miss their mark A disregard for clarity An empty concern to fill vacancy with conceit I’ll just push these tainted thoughts away My heart trembles for your touch One hundred stories above a spotless floor How good are you at makin...
Version 3
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The ring now lingers in her ear A dial tone to a fallen farewell The signal rings on and on His voice is gone for good Determination struck a chord In a trembling heart Enticed by a desperate thought Scars of death shown on a strangled neck Running on headaches and heartache Friends left to clean up this mess The puzzle left as he hangs unsuitable to view A lost cause never to wake again Dancing in the minds of the slighted Raising the dead for a higher cost of living A price irreversible in ...
Version 2
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The ring now lingers in her ear A dial tone to a fallen farewell The signal rings on and on His voice is gone for good Determination struck a chord in a trembled heart Scars of death shown on a strangled neck Enticed by a desperate thought Running on a dose of headaches and heartache Your friends left to clean up this mess The puzzle left, never to easy to complete when you’re young As he hangs in a manner unsuitable to view A lost cause never to wake again Dancing in the minds of the slighte...
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Reviews
I would change "Like a child's eyesight of innocence" to "Like a child's innocence." Change "You reveal them by your love deep within" to "revealed by your love deep within."
I like the concept. You might change "Surrounded by glass, I’m reaching for grass, to spread my arms wide out open free" to "...my arms wide open and free." or "wide out open and free". You can possibly change "has cheated them" to "have cheated them." These are some changes to consider. I like the line "And we're feeling less for our crimes."
This is mediocre at best. It doesn't flow and needs work with structurre. Explain how "it will let the dark make a not so influential mark".
I would make a few changes to let it flow easier. Take out "the" before "...sunrise". The chorus asks too many questions. You should clear the story up to flow better by asking only one question with two ultimatums, if she stays or if she goes what will be the consequence of your feelings. A guardian and a saint or pretty similar, I would revise this line since it is pretty long (break it down to another verse possibly). The verse, "To make, to break, to die to try to feel," is choppy, I woul...
Your lyrics kept my interest which is a very good things since I haven't done a review in a while by my standards. I liked the lyrics: "with your eyes wondering like the sky I see the wind thru your lips nearly shifting me as it passes by" You should give some more background on these lyrics to understand where your coming from.
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