bonsoirdollface's profile

Your mechanics- grammar and spelling- need a lot of work, most especially grammar. Commas are your friend. You need punctuation to make your dialogue a little more real. Your mentions of exactly what is playing in the background (something by sublime, ghost face killer etc etc) stick out like a sore thumb. It needs a lot of revision.

Very well put, and surprisingly touching for something so succinct and simply said. I can clearly imagine the narrator- perhaps a mourner at a funeral on an inappropriately gorgeous day.

Your imagery is very vivid, and your pacing engaging, but it's not entirely clear what's going on until the very end. I'm not sure if that was your intent, but overall it makes for a slightly muddled read (though by no means unenjoyable!)

I like your pacing, and the symmetry that comes with the repetition of the last few lines in each stanza. Your meaning wasn't entirely clear until the end. Grammar and syntax- this is poetry, so I had relatively few issues- the only thing that comes to mine is "Rest fathers rest." which might do better as "Rest, fathers, rest."