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blondenplastic's profile
AGE:
25
LOC: Canada
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 07
LOC: Canada
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 07
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Version 1
5 Reviews
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"Hey," barely makes eye contact, looks at the door knob, "Shutting that behind you is great," a smile, but an inside one, reflects like the ocean on a cloudless day: it captures you so you assume it goes down all the way. Followed up the stairs, the living room is offered. Two couches——one in front of screenless windows, the other enough away from the wall to act as a trench for garbage collection——each progressively uncomfortable; luxurious black velvet framed in wood from which a voluptuou...
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Version 1
4 Reviews
0 Comments
The blue sky seems motionless as pines, maples and the occasional naked birch reflect off the rear-window of his red 1993 Chevrolet Corsica. Sunrays heat this late-November morning enough that to forget your winter coat holds no consequence. The driver—a brown-haired, brown-eyed man of twenty—sings inside his head. After a week’s procrastination his stubble casts a five o’clock shadow, the grease in his hair assumes position of product. His passenger sits awake with eyes closed and one knee ...
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Reviews
I see potential in this story. I like that it's through a dog's point of view but I could see it as being a bit unbelievable, be careul not to give him too many human traits. Some things are unclear to me, is the story the article that gets leaked? and what do you mean by last human? I like the overall idea and the title intrigued me and I understand that this is only an intro but but I feel like you could show more of the story through action instead of telling. For example, instead of going...
The first line was strong. I love “Large popcorn, small nacho; they all wanted the same.” The way you portrayed her thoughts was affective. I felt the tension in your foreshadowing, about the heart beat. I feel though that sometimes you were a little vague when you could have been specific. When you talk about the world being bullshit and that she had had her fair share. It’s too general especially if the lies and tears were what drove her to kill herself; it’s worth your words. I feel like t...
This is just a personal opinion. I don't like the title. I think you can come up with something more creative and alluring. In the second paragraph your use of a semi-colon is a bit jarring. I would use an em-dash instead (--). "It’s not a real dog, mind you--at least not in the way you or I would think of it as being real." Whenever you use a semi-colon, you have to ask yourself if you can replace it with a period. If you can't, then you've used it incorrectly. Maybe it's because your narrat...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
I like the premise for this story. You have the oppourtunity to expose the humour in desperation. In the fourth paragraph: “glistening glass of lemonade setting peaceably..” First of all, should it not say "sitting"? Also, the use of peaceably is a little ofuscating, I don’t know what you are trying to say. The dialogue about the girl was done well. I like how he almost says incredible. Another part I liked was about the steaks and their “uncerimonious cremation”. A few paragraphs from the en...
Your word are chosen well. I feel like you used scorn, painc and triumph a little too much though. Also refering to the light in thier eyes could be cut back a little or reworded. I have not read your other stories but I think that this one definately can stand on it's own. I really enjoyed it. I know of the myth you write about and I believe it to be Irish. Perhaps you could elude to this, to them being in Ireland. The scene where she is destroying the house could be a little more drawn out ...
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