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biggun11w's profile
AGE:
23
LOC: Bloomington, IN
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 13
LOC: Bloomington, IN
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 13
Hi, my name is Mohammed and I’m 21 years old. I like to write but i’m pretty much limited to poetry. I hope you guys like some of my writings. Enjoy!
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Version 3
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WANING MEMORY Although I can no longer see her, I’m sitting here, piercing into her delicate brown face counting the lines on her forehead. My method precise as I paint her forgotten memory Onto my mind's almost blank canvas Ready to be made up into a beautiful brown angel. I quickly strike the invisible brush on the canvas. Her sedated eyes sadly stare, Her skin smooth yet waxen with turned down lips That guards her smile like a hungry child. masterpiece done, I turn to go But her stare hold...
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Version 2
11 Reviews
4 Comments
WANING MEMORY Although I can no longer see her, I’m sitting here, Piercing into her delegate brown face Counting the lines on her forehead. My method precise as I paint her forgotten memory Onto my minds almost blank canvas Ready to be made up into a beautiful brown angel. I quickly strike the invisible brush on the canvas. Her sedated yet warm hazel nut eyes sadly stare, Her skin smooth waxen yet with turned down lips That guards her smile like a hungry child. masterpiece done, I turn to go ...
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i like it! Great imagery here and there. i absolutely love the last line. Great way to end the piece. the only problem i have with this piece is the word choices here and there. Overall i think u want this piece to be sweet and loving. some of your word choices make it a little damp. for instance using the word raspy. raspy doesn't really shout sweet or loving...
i love the first line... "what isn't said screams volumes" it is a good way to group some ones attention. It graped mine for sure. the only problem i have with the piece is the use of the word volumes. it doesn't really fit the rhythm of the piece. perhaps exchanging volumes for price might work a little bit...
good flow overall, until u get to the last stanza. i think u have one to many verbs... lose ravishly and it sounds a little better...
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