bfpruett's profile
AGE:
44
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: June 23
LOC: United States
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: June 23
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Items
Version 2
7 Reviews
3 Comments
My Foe There he is staring back at me Chains that can not be released Tightening with every eve Escape there is none Why be my enemy For many gifts you bear Conceit closes my eyes For the awareness I should see Charity, grace and wisdom Emit from your very core And eagerly I should receive But my sole desire is freedom Please release this bondage And set my body free Bring me my youth Return to me my innocence Copy write 2008 Belinda Pruett
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
8 Reviews
0 Comments
My Foe There he is staring back at me Chains that can not be released Tightening with every eve Escape there is none Why be my enemy? For many gifts you bear Conceit closes my eyes For the awareness I should see Charity, grace and wisdom Emit from your very core And eagerly should I receive But my sole desire is freedom Please release this bondage And set my body free Bring me my youth Return to me my innocence Copy write 2008 Belinda Pruett
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Reviews
"is that the only place you care to fit me, dark and suffocating in come corner, lint balls, broken CDs, pins from a long ago discarded bag—and me? " The best line in the whole poem. The imagery was good in regards to you on your knees. You were very vivid in your anger and pain. Were you trying to focus more on your anger? I ask this because although you used hurt descriptors, the form was such that they expressed mostly ire.
I loved the imagery. You gave a good clear view of your opinions ( I sensed anger and frustration) and it read well. The flow was good. I saw one error on verb usage...try "I am intimidated " instead of "I am intimidate." Your work here explains the adage of "money is dirty" and it's not just dirty in "germs."
Well, it started off well but then it wasn't so easy to read. I wasn't fond of the flow after the line "..Parent's looking for the fix.." Check the line "..assuming "there" (should be they're" dead. Also, you don't have to rhyme each line as it takes away from the story some. There is a poignant sadness to it. A good story; just a few revisions would enhance it much more.
I liked this! It flowed well and I could understand your feelings. Very well written! I could picture the scene vividly. Good Imagery, good Symmetry overall a very good read.
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