I'm going to try to ascertain why this story held my interest as it was such a seemingly lukewarm read. First and foremost, I loved the satirical allegory play you drew between this highly trained man's expertise in precision explosives and the coffee incident. I found your format, weight and storyline so easy and light and each interchange, passage and event rang true. There was no false note to interrupt the movement of the piece. Your tactile description of activity was very believeable; y...

I had fun with this read. It's fresh and plain but carries the power of it's social message. Thanks for offering up a pure writing. Sarai

A rare gem in this piece. The first three quarters are in perfect pitch and step with the literary classics. It reads like lusty James Joyce. PERFECTION. The final verse appears an afterthought or transplant. Equally as delightful and randy; this finale merits its own space and time. Splendid work. Sarai

This was such an amusing read. It was hysterically funny and the diction was perfectly metered out. The final line, for some reason, didn't finish this sublimely hilarious story with any oomph. I think it was just a smidge too fluffy and irrelevant to the bullying tone set. Perhaps something more personal, such as a reference to clothing atire...a pushier nag of some sort might have clicked it for me. Otherwise this was a great write.

I liked this poem very much. It brought to mind a favorite poet Sharon Olds in my reading. Specifically her poem "The Talkers". There is a lovely simplicity and dailiness in your telling. The only thing that confused me what the finish. It didn't make sense, ending such a lively interchange with the prospect of dementia, for me. Thanks for sharing.

THE STORY IS COMPELLING. But I must confess it was hard labor to get through the density of the telling. Gosh, you're worst than I am. You insist upon writing a drawing. Okay, let me illustrate how the changing of syntax can place accents where you need them. The intensity needs some lifting here and there; so the lines need to be shorter. Attention to cadence and thought sequence esp. needs to be paid. For example: Permit me to rearrange a few lines to illustrate this point: "A small gust of...

This is a stronger beginning. A strong image to hook the reader. All that preceded this could be condensed in a few lines and inserted here and there in a more colorful manner. "She wrote on the purple message board on her bedroom door, “tired, jetlag, sleeping, DON’T DISTURB. See you in the morning”, she locked the door, put some pillows under the covers of her bed and out the window she went. " Cut this out: "There was trash all over the front lawn, a lawn gnome’s head was chopped off and ...

Its rare to find a poem so honest and strong in its impact. I'd fine tune a few lines: “Why have you left me. Why?” "Changed. Unreachable. Is she forever gone?" A few tweaks on the final few lines could close this strongly as this poem merits. Good job.

Hey it's me coming back from the rigor. I really like the sentiment and reflection of this, Joe. It comes off more as prose than poetry - I think - because of the unnecessary articles. (the, ands, etc). ... Just think on one thing ... taking the "the's" out of alot of the sentences in the beginning ... that alone would give this piece a better flow, more acute feel to each thought. I think an edit could enrich this poem; please don't forsake it. xox Sarai

Hey Lola, This is a solid story. I can see a book mushrooming here ... with detours to Lana's apartment; Mike's place; and some old acquaintances making it into that vortex. ... It rings true and the read is easy; free of cliches` of course. I used to waitress through college and it really brought alot of scenarios back. I would have waitressed longer in the pub but the first night there was a stabbing. Anyway, I'm not sure if this is fiction or not ... its very believable. Good write; I'll b...