I think I realised at the right time what was happeneing, that he was committing suicide but only after "There were too many too fast." reflections, which is probably where you want the reader to begin questioning what was happening. Perhaps a bit more emphasis on the note. Was his fiance and wedding planner merely organising the wedding or were they (as he thought) having an affair? Not clear enough,, I think, if its the former.

I was really enjoying the poetry but then it kind of veered into a story on the second page? Still liked both though. You really captured the feelings of infatuation/desire perfectly.

Beautifully written, the structure of the poetry leaving an imprint on my mind.

I don't read a lot of poetry, but I was absorbed in this piece.

Overlaying such detail to a miniscule task. I was at first thinking that the subject was creating another life, in a Frankenstein sense. This was perpetuated right up until the last line. I was reading it at first without really knowing what I was reading about, on second view it was perfectly clear. Cool.

I think the story has a lot of potential, especially if you're looking at attracting a teen audience. One of the lessons a lot of teachers will tell you is 'show, dont tell'. Not a new concept, it's a phrase thats been around for centuries. What it means is rather than just telling a story with the facts, try and get into the readers heads with more description or you risk losing them. For instance, Josh was anticipating the letter, perhaps include feelings he had and the physical manifestaio...

As a stand alone I think it'd be ok except for a little bit of clarity on how the Russians shop actually works? I'm guessing by the rusty 2008 fridge its a futuristic novel and the $20 note was very clever. I wonder if that'd ever happen, talk about prime advertising space! The story had me gripped to it, even through the convolutions that would be clearer with previous/future chapters. It's something I'd definately read.

Very interesting piece. With some more material I think it'd be great.The two pages are very different, and as you said you wanted to put the reader at unease, but I'm not sure if that really works. Maybe give it a bit more clarity at the start then move into playing with our minds, or is there a start before this piece? I noticed that you were under 18 and for that extra credit is due. Well done I think you have a talent.

Great! Not much to critique as I thought it was well set out, clearly written and on the whole very good. However I will do my best. One part that could use a bit more work was the death of the first antagonist. If she hasn't developed fangs yet, then the death wouldn't have been so quick. It seemed with one pump of the heart through the severed jugular the man died. Although it would be quick, it would not be this fast. I work in surgery, I think for an artery it's only a matter of seconds b...

Awesome. The build up was great, just the right pace. As you mentioned, there were a lot of typos but if your aware of that that's fine, it still didnt stop me from following it. I guess its only a short story? Definately publishable.