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benwest's profile
AGE:
35
LOC: Australia
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 07
LOC: Australia
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 07
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Chapter Two Athens. The city lay sprawling around the base of the enormous flat hilltop of the Acropolis, housing the hundred thousand or so people as they went about their lives today as they did every other day, each performing their own function in a metropolis that allowed it’s citizens to live their indolent lives. The sun danced it’s image on the window panes, sparkling off the stream as it meandered along through the city. Children ran and played on it’s banks in a carefree fashion tha...
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Chapter Two Athens. The city lay sprawling around the base of the enormous flat hilltop of the Acropolis, housing the hundred thousand or so people as they went about their lives today as they did every other day, each performing their own function in a metropolis that allowed it’s citizens to live their indolent lives. The sun danced it’s image on the window panes, sparkling off the stream as it meandered along through the city. Children ran and played on it’s banks in a carefree fashion tha...
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Version 1
12 Reviews
2 Comments
Chapter One 530 B.C. Caria, Western border of the Persian Empire. Ice was slowly defrosting on the pine needles, water gently melting, trickling down the branches of the trees. A late winter sun sent shimmering reflections of light bouncing off the droplets, enhancing the almost ethereal quality of the surrounding woods. Birds were singing their enjoyment and appreciation of the change in seasons while a deer was methodically chewing tops of small plants that had been revealed by the defroste...
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Awesome. The build up was great, just the right pace. As you mentioned, there were a lot of typos but if your aware of that that's fine, it still didnt stop me from following it. I guess its only a short story? Definately publishable.
50.0% Review Quality (4 Votes)
Great! Not much to critique as I thought it was well set out, clearly written and on the whole very good. However I will do my best. One part that could use a bit more work was the death of the first antagonist. If she hasn't developed fangs yet, then the death wouldn't have been so quick. It seemed with one pump of the heart through the severed jugular the man died. Although it would be quick, it would not be this fast. I work in surgery, I think for an artery it's only a matter of seconds b...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
Very interesting piece. With some more material I think it'd be great.The two pages are very different, and as you said you wanted to put the reader at unease, but I'm not sure if that really works. Maybe give it a bit more clarity at the start then move into playing with our minds, or is there a start before this piece? I noticed that you were under 18 and for that extra credit is due. Well done I think you have a talent.
As a stand alone I think it'd be ok except for a little bit of clarity on how the Russians shop actually works? I'm guessing by the rusty 2008 fridge its a futuristic novel and the $20 note was very clever. I wonder if that'd ever happen, talk about prime advertising space! The story had me gripped to it, even through the convolutions that would be clearer with previous/future chapters. It's something I'd definately read.
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