I'm giving you a five for what I have read so far. The rating could improve depending on the rest. It has great potential. I can really feel the sadness and torment of the person. The story and the feelings of characters are more important to the person who reads it. Grammar and typos are easily fixed. I do have a couple of recommendations, which you do not have to take at all. I must remind you that what I have to say is just an opinion. So here goes. would frantically, frantically, frantica...

Since there are 17 pages, I will review each one as I read them. Page one: You can decipher who is speaking, making each character stand out without having to ask yourself who is saying what. Some people can't pull that off. I can picture Ellis Carey perfectly. William seems a bit myterious as well as "she". I don't know who she is, but I'm sure I'll find out later. You lead into the second paragraph quickly, meaning that there is very little background information. If it's meant to be that w...

Page 1 Detective John Kemper sits at his desk-it seems you are writing in past tense, so I would suggest changing it to John Kemper sat at his desk. Keep an eye on those little details. He laughs at his own joke before continuing Suggestion: He laughed at his own joke before continuing. Page 2 Scott nods, putting his cigarette out on the floor. Did you do some research before writing this piece? Police stations are smoke-free, as are most places in the U.S. So I'm not sure this would fit. Per...

Ok. So by page four I said a little silent "Aha!" to myself. So that's what the POV was all about. I congratulate you on that, it is sometimes difficult to do. It is a wonderful piece so far. Your imagery is spot on, very vivid. It was very enjoyable to read albeit a horror story. The transitions were smooth and when they weren't, it was done on purpose. The story made me feel sad for Zee, which means that you did a great job with your character development. I am looking forward to reading mo...