beejay's profile

From the start of the piece I felt as if I was being jostled around--pinballed around in a nervous young girls mind. Wanting to correct some gramatical errors I left them be to see if that was infact the voice of the protaginist. One that is still imature, but trying to sound adult, as if she is on her own and doesn't need anybody. I think I was right. All in all the story can be good. Great start. Some spelling errors that cannot be taken as an error she might make, which can be fixed easily...

While the idea and concept could very well be liked by fans of the genre, the gramar and spelling needs alot of work. Good start!! The story, piece needs a lot of help with sentence structure and spelling. Good Luck!!!

Smoking, when they shouldn't...or can't. The poem, when read at the requested slower paced, does what it is supposed to do. You actually participate by inhaling, exhaling and breathing whilst you are reading the piece. Stylistically I think there can be some more descriptive words or a set of descriptive words. Work fine now, but can be a lot darker and solem( if that is what you are going for). Overall, I thought it was a pleasant piece that did move me.

It truly is what it is...Very pleasing. A poem about thinking about others work that takes you to a cold place, while in a cold place. I liked it, it did move me: "Love dissolving like ice on a river, kissed by the winter sun memories melting like rained on snow beautiful image shattered like fallen icicles..." I can totally picture the ice on the banks of a river lit up by the sun, slowly melting into the rushing water. Great I totally dug it!!

Just some punctuation: 1st sentence maybe a comma between "moment, but it certainly" or restructure Life changing it was not; this moment did, however, alter the future for me. or something like that The second sentence--the 1st paragraph is hard to follow. "This"(--What??--meeting apointment??) "...was supposed to be about the story I had submitted for publishing,(maybe a period instead of a comma. New sentence. Arriving...) arriving fashionably(--fasionably what dressed, early?), I was calm...