beej's profile
AGE:
26
LOC: Lakewood, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 26
LOC: Lakewood, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 26
i’m more of a scribbler than a writer …
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Version 1
1 Review
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It's not supposed to be this cold. At four thirty-five in the afternoon, it's supposed to be all sunny and bright, not this drab cloudy sky. I'm supposed to stand outside and wait in front of this coffee shop. Why meet here? My one hand is holding a cup of coffee. The other is in my jacket pocket. The brown jacket over the maroon shirt. Maroon. Who the hell wears a maroon shirt? Oh yeah, me. To work. I didn't have time to change. The voicemail he left said four-thirty. He was calm and command...
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Version 1
9 Reviews
0 Comments
ten years. one Moleskine. still blank.
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Opportunities
Version 1
10 Reviews
2 Comments
they said i could. i didn't.
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Opportunities
Version 1
9 Reviews
2 Comments
i ran out of "if onlys"
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Opportunities
Version 1
2 Reviews
0 Comments
Verse 1: You’ve got your morning classes Well-trimmed and neatly packaged The hours ticking off With endless lists that you accomplish And if ever the lights are blackened Consider the night expanse and Maybe you’ll discover Where you’re headed Chorus: Stars are set in chaos They’re there to remind us To ever be joyous That God in all his splendor Considers you tender So I say, “Rejoice” Verse 2: We’ve talked of education This need to fill our heads with The details of the trade And endless l...
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Is this the first chapter? If so, you switched protagonists on me. Clever writing. Very seamlessly too, I might add. I hope for big twists in your novel. I like it so far. You expressed fear, terror and suspense very well. It's a fast read too. I hope Troy doesn't simply end up a Lecter clone. P.S. If he's killed so many, why isn't he in maximum security?
0.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
Briony Remington's such a cool name. Good job with that one :). I like your story so far. Easy to follow, great characters. I like your first paragraph. Setting up for something big, eh? I'm going to follow this one. Is there going to be an explanation as to why Briony is famous? Something special in the DNA, eh?
Good read. Great use of language. As an immigrant to the US I can relate to your story. My advice would be: play around with the sequence. I know it's autobiographical, therefore chronological. But I noticed your ending (the Phoenix part) has quite a strong conflict that's underplayed. I feel that it could possibly be fleshed out either as a separate chapter (or a whole book), or as a parallel to your life story.
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
Bloody marvelous! Great storytelling and use of language. I really dig the line "you sometimes melt the tracks," it's highly original and really heavy. On another note, did you intentionally split the poem up so the reveal would be on the next page? If so, clever use of the media. If anything I'd probably tinker with the second chorus ("life seems like the law"), it feels vague and lacks as much punch as the first and third choruses. Overall, great job.
Lucky you. Love the irony. Ever visit the Hotel California? What if you use the word "swallowed" instead of "drowning"? That would make it an alliteration, and add to it, no? Just a thought. Good job.
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