I think the perspective you take on failed relationships is really refreshing here and that makes the piece more interesting. I like the image in the first line comparinng love to an exclamation point. You teeter relatively close to the edge of triteness in some spots, but its a cute piece overall. In many ways I think it's somewhat impossible to write a really good review on someone's lyrics, because although they are, in my opinion, the most important part of a song, they are generally mean...

This piece really goes to show that sometimes you can say more in just a few lines than you can in a novel. The first four lines are my favorite; the idea of suicide coming "in doses of two" is really mysterious and intriguing. I love the fact that it could stand alone as a poem in its own right and without any music at all would still be beautiful. Very good write. P.S. What kind of music is this set to?

I think you've definitely succeeded in creating a very interesting dialog here. It flows very naturally yet has its own unique quality to it. Ironically, the only part I would call either forced or overwritten would be the descriptive paragraphs at the beginning of the piece. I personally find very difficult to describe a character using the first person without making them seem vain or frivolous. I think that perhaps if you spread out the descriptions throughout the piece, or merely discarde...

This piece is sweet, but it's also rather trite. I suppose it sounds different when you're actually rapping, but lines like "you're the love of my life / without you I would cry" have, well, been done before. You have potential though. I like the Spanish in the third line. It's creative.

First of all, I'd like to say that it was very courageous of you to write this, especially if it's based on something you actually experienced. I thought the last two stanzas were the best part of the piece, especially the image of the wings unfurling and the contrast between God and the father. The biggest critique I can give of the piece would be that it is long, and some lines are basically just repeating the same thing you've already said with slightly different wording. For example, in t...

The first thing I noticed about this piece was your uh, creative, spelling. If you want people to view your work as legitimate, you can't resort to AIM-esque abbreviations. There are two kinds of poems; ones that you write to be art, and ones that you write to release your own emotions /make yourself feel better. To me, this is the latter. The piece has a very even rhythm to it, which shows that you do have potential, it just isn't exactly developed through this particular work.

I think the perspective on this piece is very interesting. I also liked the repetition of the phrase "be strong if only for me." The only critique I have is the fact that your meter has a tendency to be almost sing-songy, which can come off as trite. I'd be interested to see what you could do if you abandoned rhyme all together and just let yourself flow. You've got something, though. Keep at it.

I thought a lot of these jokes were funny, I think with proper delivery they could be hilarious. I liked the line about being casually nuts, and also the one about the ex-husband. The thing is, it seems like a rather disjointed piece to me. I'm sure the way you added so many page breaks might have contributed to this, but still I feel like you focus so much on the individual jokes that it doesn't have a cohesive flow. Also, your mental illness jokes are funny but you might want to broaden you...

Overall, I think you've done a good job with this. It's lighthearted and funny and very entertaining and I could imagine it having a jaunty sort of rhythm to it that would be fun to listen to. However there were a few lines are kind of awkward. For example, line three, "nice good hum." Saying its both nice and good is kind of redundant. Plus, you already used the word good to describe the sex and it's a little uncreative. The line about bubblegum is a good one, so obviously you have to have s...