The paragraphs are rather large, making reading the piece a bit of a chore. Splitting them up would imbue a greater sense of the passage of time; as it is the formatting conveys the sense of being hurried through the scene. As for the science, well: 1.) The event horizon (of a normal, non-rotating point source singularity) would seem to recede indefinately from the viewer. There is no way to "pass through" a black hole, as we understand it. You would be trapped there, forever falling, until o...

"Each one held a candle made from animal fat. The candles flickered and spit, dripping hot tallow onto the wizards hands. One man flinched as the burning liquid dripped down his arm. Blackfell stopped mid stride." The overuse of full. stops. breaks up the paragraphs, and makes the descriptions seem labored and choppy. By replacing some periods with commas, and rewriting other sections entirely, the prose can be made to flow more naturally. As for the plot itself, well, there's not really enou...

Bleak! Very very bleak. Makes me wonder where you're going to go with this. As for technical critiques, I have but one: "Life is an uncaring bitch he thought, reaching for the pipe filled with marijuana." It's safe to assume in context that the pipe is going to be filled with marijuana. Also, the ending is somewhat weak, and may benefit from additional detail.

The "betting parlour/attribute" metaphor could have been fleshed out a bit better. Standing in line determines what you are? "This place is about as pricey as my parents are cheap." is excellently precise, but somewhat confusingly worded, (perhaps "Luigi's is as expensive as my parents are cheap" Another good place to remind the reader of the name of the place.) and "pricey" is an American specific idiom that I've had some trouble with when read by non-American English speakers. "At the end t...

Very well done. You could certainly quibble with the quality of the writing, but after all, it's being written by a Hack Writer. The only out and out technical error I could find was, "They walked through the door, and found themselves facing a man in a suit. He wore a solid black outfit from head to toe, with jet black hair. The only white came from his immaculate set of teeth, which grinned at them now." So, was his skin black as well? A Evil Negro might incite a Class Action Lawsuit as wel...

Fairly often you explicitly spell out things that the reader should be able to figure out for themselves. It should be as obvious to the reader as it is to Nick that the deal is a setup, etc. Describe smells, sounds, postures, gestures, all the details that make a scene; instead of a soul-less description of events. Label-dropping tends to interrupt the narrative. Instead of just stating the name, describe the object. Expensive things are "heavy", "intricately crafted", "obviously (objectivel...

Boy, that sure is something. Excellent ending.

"Gossamer’s eyes snapped open. / Gradually, the frigid temperatures that had gripped his body for the past fifty long, lonely years" Actin and myosin, like any other protein, act more slowly at low temperatures. This would make muscle contractions slow and difficult. "highly reflective and strong metal, possibly titanium" Titanium is a dull gray metal, and is by no means "highly reflective". This could be written off as a mistake on the character's part, however. "discovered Asteroid Cygnus X...

Metacognition (Or *introspection*, if you're not some sort of pompous jackass) is a trap I used fall into fairly frequently. Do I like the music that I like because I authentically like it, or because I feel that I should like it? Am I an atheist because I really deep down don't believe there's a god, or because I just want to hang out with the cool kids? Is whatever project I'm working on at the time actually interesting, or am I working on it just to show off how smart and awesome I am? But...