Made the brutal side of me chuckle in appreciation. Great line. My only offer for improvement: delete 'that' from this line and the rest of your writing. It's a word that isn't needed in this context, and only slows the reader down. I always do a 'search and replace' for this word when I'm done writing anything of length. It's a first-draft-only word.

The only line that stopped me is "but we are left with the feeling". The "we" did it. Take out that intrusive inclusive and reword the sentence. It needs to be a heavy-hitter since it's the last line of your hook. Try backloading it for extra power. Another line to improve is "Soon after Billy and Steven begin to plan their “wedding”, their eyes begin to wander, landing, as bad luck would have it, on the same man, Jay, an exotic professor obsessed with tearing them apart." Try breaking it int...

My only suggestion would be to use the name of your protagonist in the line "The protagonist is a hard working employee". Make it his story. The first line is a terrific hook that captures attention. I've no other suggestions. Great letter.

Number one: spellcheck! You lost me in the first line. Don't lose an agent because you misspelled something in your query. You are trying to show you are a professional. begininning...ingrateful...privelage...manusript Story sounds interesting. If you have a bio, add something. Even writing "I am an emerging writer..." is safe for a bio. Good luck!

Nice description of obscurity. The 'regret' adds nice tension.

The most appealing aspect is the solidness of the imagery and economy of words, as in "gowns and ties", "papered Brahms". Love the sound of the second verse when read aloud. The term "phoenix eyes" makes me think too hard, even though "phoenix" should fit well within the poem. "Arctic smile" also a great image, contradicting the theme of flames with coldness and distance. Line four doesn't appeal to me. Although the image is clear, it is weak compared to the other lines and lacks the flame th...

Yet another way to strike back at writer's block. By far, the most creative. Perfect as written.

My daughter does mine before I get the chance. Funny letter. Apart from a few typos, I wouldn't change a thing. What type of editor would you send this to?

The first sentence is very interesting--but long. A shorter, strong sentence would be a better hook. Overall, your story sounds very interesting. The letter can benefit from being tightened and shortened. One agent's online sub guidelines states she wants two paragraphs, tops; others read "the shorter, the better." It won't be easy because you have many interesting story points to present, but a concise query is evidence of the writing to follow. For instance, instead of "I believe that if yo...

You first line is a question. Needs a question mark. Word count good, page count unnecessary. Very interesting story, but the summary is too long for a query. Does it all fit on one page if you print it? Bio--credits are wonderful but an agent won't go to a website just because you give a link. Perhaps just say they are online pubs, mention the site if it's prestigious. I also don't think being an Urbis member is something I'd list. There are a lot of Urbis members, and not all are publishabl...