angelique_07's profile

Wow. That was a really beautiful piece. Reminds me of Appalachian summers. A very powerful and profound poem you have here. Well done!

I like it quite a bit but I wish the ending would tie back into the beginning even more so. Perhaps something like: "I have seen them all and yet, Quietly I`m drawn along the sea outside my door." ("Deep blue sea" also sounds a bit too cliche for this poem)

I think the last line detracts from the poem- the final two lines in the second stanza are so powerful it would be a shame not to end it there. A lovely poem overall.

"Mariana Bronston sighed as she pulled out her cell phone. Her and Ben hardly ever had fights. They did fight, but the fights they had weren’t epic, and they were rare." First, the second and third sentences seem awkwardly pieced together. You might be better off combining the second and third, something like, "She and Ben hardly ever fought and on the rare occasion when they would, the fights never seemed to reach such epic proportions as this." However, is this really epic? Would Mariana me...

"The pretend thugs that we put out would talk so much I couldn’t tell if they are criminals or talk show host - 'The pretend' sounds awkward together. There are also a few grammatical errors ("are" is the wrong tense and "host" should be plural). It might be better if you cleaned this up and shortened it a bit, something like "Pretend thugs we put out spoke so much, I couldn't tell if they were criminals or talk show hosts." "It was the quiet ones that scared me." The second "that scared me" ...