ammahaffey's profile
AGE:
31
LOC: Auburn, IN
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: October 02
LOC: Auburn, IN
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: October 02
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Items
Version 1
4 Reviews
1 Comment
Renee was at work. “Work,” she mused, was a relative term—in this setting. As the lone bid administrator for the government’s commercial kitchen equipment replacement parts needs, her desk was covered with labeled manila folders, spreadsheets of manufacturers’ pricing information and meticulous and poorly copied specs. Her email inbox still bulged with a growing number of inquisitions, and yet, she had done nothing more but glance through her files, shuffle them from one dangerously leaning ...
Version 1
12 Reviews
0 Comments
My dad. I only think I seen him once, but last winter, I seen his brother on the news. The red-nose lady, who huddled over the mike like it was a campfire, told us that no one really knew why my uncle was brawling, but around 3 in the morning, when only the baddest people are out, he got stabbed outside of Wag’s Bar. The television we were watching was half-broke and the blue strip that shot through the bottom-half of the screen, reading Brutal Stabbing on East Broadway, looked more like a ba...
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Reviews
I really love your character development and your style of writing is charming. I'd love to learn more about this other world you have so richly created. However, I found a few issues with this piece: You definitely had an overactive use of the word "appear". I noticed that the word sometimes "appeared" (ha ha) multiple times in the same paragraph. I was getting confused with the characters and who was who and what setting we were in. In particular, I had no idea what relevance Old Tom had to...
I was very intrigued with your plot, and the lone survivor, especially, so you definitely have the hook that will draw in your reader. I did notice a few sentences that didn't sound right or were grammatically incorrect, such as: "Him ripping off her question didn’t compare the frustration the heat was causing." "...‘I did something bad tone’ in her voice." Also, when the refrigerator is discovered, and the action is building, your sentences become choppy, which I think takes away from a lot ...
When I first started reading this, I thought it might be better suited for the young adult sector. The fact that you start off by talking about school projects and essentially, school crushes, had me fooled. However, I was eventually eased into believing this piece would be great for the chick lit market. I think if I were you, and I was truly going with a fictional twist and not trying to hold on too much to actual events, I would make the events that occurred in school happen much, much ear...
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