This was so eloquent and seemless, I was disappointed there wasn't more. Just enough detail so I got a good grasp of the scenery without getting distracted by it. Just enough character description so they were mysterious and interesting without being too vague or flat. I definitely think you should write more about these characters.

I didn't get the feeling that you are really passionate about your characters. The relationship between Mack and Erick could use a bit more fleshing out. For instance, Erick refers to Mack as his best friend but he doesn't really seem to like him. Is he just friends with Mack out of pity or because Mack is so loyal? He also is a lot more patient with his mother than I would have expected from a character like Erick. Doesn't her constant psycho-analyzing get on his last nerve? And where did so...

Bob seemed sort of apathetic toward James and Roger. The part about Bob's negligence in regards to his health was incredibly vivid. You have a poetic style of writing that's really enjoyable to read. Recollections of Sam seemed intentionally vague so I'd like to know more about that character and his time with Bob in future writings.

You certainly have talent but part of being a writer is using correct sentence structure, spelling, grammar, etc. The first few paragraphs, I was extremely confused and had to re-read a few times because there were so many characters introduced in such a short amount of time. Suggestions: If you want to be a writer, write with a purpose. Don't just put something on paper to see if you have talent. Write about something you care about and are passionate about or you won't be able to hone and d...

First off, the punctuation/spelling/grammar errors were a bit distracting. It would be a lot easier to read with those corrected. I noticed that the date in her notes is : November 28th and the date in the poem that is supposed to be three days away is November 1st. I liked the character, Alison, but I wonder why she takes on so much responsibility at home. Does she feel the need to help her mother? Why doesn't she confront her mother about how her father doesn't do anything to help and her b...

First off, there are quite a few punctuation and grammar errors as well as a couple sentences that need to be restructured. You have talent, you just need to hone it. The best advice I ever got as a writer was "Write what you know." Your description of the city could have been way more vivid if you'd actually seen it. As for the basic content, it was difficult for me to understand the relationship between Sheila and Daphne. They didn't really seem to like eachother. And I was also confused wh...

I have to say, I liked the first version better. This version lacked the detail that made the last version stick with me, especially about her family. If you want to be a great writer, you should first work on the basics: spelling, grammar, punctuation. In this forum, it is important to keep your reader interested and not detract from your work with errors. Your technique goes back and forth, as if you wrote the piece in sections instead of one fluid piece which makes it seem choppy. Also, yo...

I don't really understand how this is a Children's piece. Typically they are written from a child's perpective or in some way involving children. I get that pets are LIKE children but I think your work would be better categorized as short story. I noticed a lot of typos (Sat on the coach - couch) and your sentence structure needs some work. Also, you introduced too many pets in such a random way. Maybe you could try introducing the pets by describing their appearance and personality.

It seems like you have a good idea but you have a lot of punctuation errors. I would like to see a long prologue detailing the story of Lilith and Adam, instead of using that in the introduction to Ellen and her husband. If you want me to note all the punctuation problems, send me a comment and I'd be happy to but I don't want you to have to use up your credits. "Adam's rip" and "Adam when propaganda to have sex" ... I'm not really sure what those sentences were supposed to mean. I do like th...

I'm not really sure what the whole point of this was. In your first chapter, I expected to read something interesting and, sure, she met a good looking guy but it really didn't make me like Vicki ... at all. She seemed flighty (forgot commitment to friend) and came off as kind of rude to her friend. The grammar and punctuation needs a lot of attention.