alyon's profile

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AGE: 24
LOC: Orlando, FL
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: January 10

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Version 1
21 Reviews   2 Comments
Chapter One – August 2002   He paused for a moment, wiping the sweat from his brow and cursing the sweltering heat of early August in North Carolina. He’d been pushing an old lawnmower across his neighbors’ yard for what felt like an eternity when a red Jeep pulled into their driveway. The Jeep halted just shy of the bumper of Henry Ryan’s old Ford pickup and he saw Samantha, their granddaughter, hop out. She smiled broadly when she saw him and he killed the lawnmower’s engine as she started ...
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Novel Treatments / Prologue - Summer of 1999
Version 3
4 Reviews   8 Comments
Belleview, North Carolina June 1999 Samantha awoke with a start. School had just ended but it seemed her internal clock had not yet adjusted. It was barely daybreak and Samantha was uncharacteristically full of energy and ready to face the world. She smiled at the thought of summer, looking forward to the two month reprieve from her parents' and their incessant bickering, two months with her beloved grandparents in Belleview where she grew up. In the backseat of her parents' obnoxious SUV, sh...
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Version 1
5 Reviews   4 Comments
Samantha woke from a sound sleep to the sound of hammering echoing across the lake. She looked at the alarm clock and cursed. It was barely eight o’clock on the first day of her summer vacation. She rolled out of bed, walked over to the window, and pulled the curtain back, then shook her head at what she saw and got dressed before heading downstairs. “Good morning.” Her grandmother said, reading the newspaper over a cup of coffee. Her grandparents had undoubtedly been up for hours already. Sh...
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Lyrics / She said
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Novel Treatments / What Grown Folks Do
I'm not really sure what the whole point of this was. In your first chapter, I expected to read something interesting and, sure, she met a good looking guy but it really didn't make me like Vicki ... at all. She seemed flighty (forgot commitment to friend) and came off as kind of rude to her friend. The grammar and punctuation needs a lot of attention.
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
It seems like you have a good idea but you have a lot of punctuation errors. I would like to see a long prologue detailing the story of Lilith and Adam, instead of using that in the introduction to Ellen and her husband. If you want me to note all the punctuation problems, send me a comment and I'd be happy to but I don't want you to have to use up your credits. "Adam's rip" and "Adam when propaganda to have sex" ... I'm not really sure what those sentences were supposed to mean. I do like th...
Children's / The Abby and Cats show
I don't really understand how this is a Children's piece. Typically they are written from a child's perpective or in some way involving children. I get that pets are LIKE children but I think your work would be better categorized as short story. I noticed a lot of typos (Sat on the coach - couch) and your sentence structure needs some work. Also, you introduced too many pets in such a random way. Maybe you could try introducing the pets by describing their appearance and personality.
I have to say, I liked the first version better. This version lacked the detail that made the last version stick with me, especially about her family. If you want to be a great writer, you should first work on the basics: spelling, grammar, punctuation. In this forum, it is important to keep your reader interested and not detract from your work with errors. Your technique goes back and forth, as if you wrote the piece in sections instead of one fluid piece which makes it seem choppy. Also, yo...
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