You have some very interesting and imaginative ideas in this. The biggest concern that I have involves suspense and description. Much of what happens here could be drawn out much more--giving the reader a more vested interest. In terms of description, I have a good sense of the main characters, but everything else feels vague--especially once they get to the Elven village. Give us some more concrete descriptions of the scene and the people. Here are a few things I noted while reading: “What w...

I want a better description of what these people look like. All I know about the Most High is that he's cloaked and has a slim hand. How tall is he? How does he hold himself (shoulder back, proudly or slightly forward in a more brooding manner, etc)? I get the idea that the advisor is more portly, but again, I have no textual evidence for that assumption. In general, use more detailed descriptions in the beginning for setting. For example, better describe the room and who's in it (I'm not sur...

The beginning of the second paragraph is awkward--the first sentence is too choppy--at least consider adding something like "You stumble..." to the beginning of it. Also, go ahead and make the "around the coffee table..." it's own sentence. You have some interesting concepts here and some wonderful descriptions, but it feels weird right now. 2nd person isn't working well in this story right now. I would consider reversing the perspectives--having the computer story in 2nd person and the main ...

This is fairly well written. The foundation is here and it has a confidence that says the author knows where it's going. Below are a few small things I noticed while reading. ...exodus from the city, for all... - remove comma. ...as street lights went out, there wasn’t any money... - The latter part of this sentence feels cumbersome. Consider rewording (perhaps ..., they stayed out). ...shrugged into his ceremonial robes. - Shrugged is awkward, use a different word. I get what you're trying t...

This is a pretty solid beginning. The voice is consistent, and I can easily see a story being sustained with Travis. The scene when Travis first wakes up is a little awkward--at first, I wasn't sure if Gwen was alive or dead. Just an additional sentence or two to maybe give us a bit more detail on what really happened would be nice. A couple of small typos/edits: I watch the candles burn down. - Start a new paragraph with this line, otherwise, it feels like he's just starting to do this as sh...

The writing is quite solid and consistent in this piece. The continuity also seems okay. I would, however, like to see more of an emotional response. The fact that Vince dies on his first international trip (while not unheard of), felt a bit much in this. Perhaps if he regularly made these trips (but this was simply the longest that he was going to be gone). I'd also like to see more of Diane's immediate response to hearing about Vince's death--you skip that part, and I think it would be a po...

This is an interesting section, but I wish I had a little more back story leading into this. Since Aaron comes off as confrontational when discussing his adjustment, I don't feel he would then so easily agree to to discuss in the library (perhaps show him be a little more resistant at first before finally agreeing). In general, I get the impression that Aaron won't be opening up to anyone just yet. I see him hearing Futura out, but not much else beyond that at this point. Perhaps after this m...

This is quite beautifully written. Very poetic in language! Things I noticed while reading: ...strum from the neck of the mind, and flow from the container of the heart. - Well written description! It's far from ordinary or cliché and immediately stands out! ...labeled goals, dreams, had been obstructed... - slightly awkward (because it looks at first like a series. Change the comma between "goals, dreams" to "and" then drop the comma after dreams. I think that would clear up this line. ..bei...

"sleaze-eyed" - great description "...restaurant on Henrick Street on Thursday" - Godfrey says Thursday here, but every other reference is for that night. Nice use of forshadowing having Janine refer to her friend, Malcolm, so many times by his name (it also makes me wonder if Malcolm actually died over the phone from her constantly using his name). I'd really like more information on why he's losing brain power every time his name was used. I get the impression that it's strictly her use of ...

"It was just like a bank, except it didn’t keep money." - rephrase this. It's somewhat redundant and awkward as it is (and we're given the type of currency in the next paragraph). Perhaps combine with the previous sentence and simply say "... it was where valuables were stored, similar to a bank." "It was your parent’s idea." - parents' "A blade that was as clear as water" - good description! "...and looked made of crystal came out." - awkward. Perhaps "...and looked as if it were made of..."...