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ajbrown's profile
AGE:
39
LOC: West Columbia, SC
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 18
LOC: West Columbia, SC
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 18
There’s not much to me—I write, I read, I review. I prefer dark tales over loving ones, therefore I write that way also.
If I step on your toes I apologize but I’moverly honest--blunt--to a fault, so sometimes you may have to put me in my place if I offend you.
My personal life stays that way—sorry, I just don’t give out that information.
Items
Version 1
2 Reviews
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To Whom It May Concern: I realize this is going to sound a bit odd, but I hope you will help me, none-the-less, in this matter. It seems I have lost something of great value to me and would appreciate any help in locating it. I’ve apparently lost my mind somewhere. I haven’t a clue as to where so I’m sending this letter to as many of the establishments that I can recall that I’ve been to over the years in hopes that someone—anyone—has seen my mind. I’m guessing it could’ve been swept under a ...
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Version 1
12 Reviews
0 Comments
“A basketball goal,” Joseph repeated to the preacher. “I said I noticed you guys have a basketball goal near the parking lot.” “Oh, yes,” Preacher Wallace said. “It’s been there for years. It’s not used too much anymore.” Wallace turned and shook hands with several of the departing church members. “Have a good week,” he said and smiled then turned back to Joseph. “Why do you ask?” “Why do I ask what?” Joseph responded, confused. This time it was Wallace’s turn to repeat himself. “Why do you ...
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Age of creator is 15 and she's already smart beyond her years. Let's hope you feel this way later on in life!
Okay, this story has a lot of promise but needs some work. I'm guessing this was a dream sequence type of story. In these stories anything can happen, which does in this one, especially with your main character running to his doom up the steps toward her grandfather without question one to her. You use very good descriptions, and I feel you can make the horror of this story come to life by fixing some grammatical errors. In many places you use commas instead of periods or semi-colons. Go back...
The beginning of your story rings pretty realistic. The only thing I would change is the last sentence, or part of it. "The rock I had been lying on was a fist; a fist chipped pink nail polish." A fist chipped pink nail polish doesn't quite make any sense. Did you mean a fist with chipped pink nail polish? That's pretty much it--to answer your question, yes it feels real.
Overall this was a pretty good story. But being a first person POV, I thought the main character of the story seemed unemotional to the telling of his story until the end when I got goose bumps swimming on me when he returned a jar to the graveside. I thought that was exceptionally touching. Now, the trick is to take that touching moment and put the emotion derived from it throughout the story. There are several places you can do that. You can write in little snippets of love for the MC's mom...
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This has an English feel to it as if a proper gentleman were telling the story. Very imaginative and uniquely done. A strong voice that stayed true to the end of the story. I would make some suggestions on teh story but there are really none to make.
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