adamirizarry's profile

for your goal: you need to read more widely about what agents and publishers are looking for, as well as just reading more widely in general. it looks amateurish. really. i'm not being a dick, but if i was simon cowell on american idol, i'd have to tell you that it's just not great. dialogue attribution: bad. adverbs: bad not reading widely enough to have the right instinct for a scene: very bad. The Elements of Style by Strunk and White On Writing by Stephen King That's my prescription. Hope...

fun experiment, but it's too mixed and really, what are you trying to say? and yet, you smile? kinda corny if you ask me. and stop trying so hard to rhyme so damn much. i like that you're experimenting with form, however. now experiment with a singular vision and develop some meanings.

it's gonna piss you off to hear this, but all that rhymie stuff... really, if i were you i'd lose all the rhyming, cause it sounds silly. hackish. lose all the rhymes. told you it would piss you off.

good stuff. i wont waste credits here. not much to change, just look into the language in some places. stronger descriptive words can go a long way. steamy chips is great, musty books is weak, kinda cliche. overall, great work though. oh. the 4th and 5th lines hiccup a bit. and "fears" in the 6th stanza comes off very thin. still good. LOVE greasy notebook pages, very visceral. :)

it's good work, though i'm not sure i understand the need for the refrain "These pills are sacred. Do not touch them. I never know when I will need them but I am sure that I will" i just don't see the need to repeat it. otherwise you got interesting stuff here.