Whitebear's profile
AGE:
58
LOC: Las Vegas, NV
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 21
LOC: Las Vegas, NV
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 21
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Version 1
4 Reviews
1 Comment
Chapter 4 The CIA--Dwight & Phil “Mr. Twilly.” Dwight Twilly looked up to see Stan Garcia gazing down at him. Stan, wearing a brown suit and a benign smile, held out a slim manila folder. “Did you see this?” “Morning sir,” said Dwight. He opened the file and glanced at it, scanning the words quickly. ‘Assassination in Iraq. Suspected Terrorist shot by unknown assailant.’ His eyes rose over the paper to his boss, who stood waiting, sipping from a Starbuck’s coffee cup. Stan always bought a Cap...
Version 1
9 Reviews
4 Comments
Chapter 3 The Getaway--Murphy’s Law Aden stepped out into the hallway and froze at the sound of footsteps pounding up the stairs. His pulse raced. How many? And how did they find him so fast? The pounding feet were louder. They were almost at his floor. He turned toward the opposite stairwell but knew he didn’t have time. They’d hear him just like he was hearing them and after 9-11 the last thing he’d ever let happen was to be trapped in another stairwell. Aden pulled his Tokarev 9mm pistol o...
Version 1
11 Reviews
4 Comments
Chapter 2 Talal and Jamal Go Hunting Talal Hazziri watched Mostaqa al-Amad walk from the Mosque and begin inflaming the crowd. He caught his brother Jamal’s eye and rolled his own. Jamal winked at him and smiled, and for a second the cloud hovering about Talal lifted. He still felt unclean about helping to mutilate and burn the American Marine’s body last week, but Mostaqa had insisted the Quran favored such abuse to the bodies of invaders. Talal wasn’t certain, having never read the Quran. H...
Version 1
9 Reviews
5 Comments
Chapter 1 Fallujah, Iraq The American came to Fallujah to kill a man. Unarmed, he walked the dusty streets for two days dodging American patrols and Iraqi militia gangs, checking one mosque after another. American jets bombed a militia strongpoint at the other end of town and the shockwave blew grit in his eyes, even from so far away. Battle scarred date palms and olive trees shuddered at the blast. Small arms fire crackled at a helicopter launching rockets in support of some marines and blac...
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Reviews
Your dialogue is snappy and witty, humorous and fun. The style reminds me of Janet Evanovich, which from me is high praise. I'd lose "she proclaimed" and replace it with "she said" and run the spell checker to catch typos like "don'tk" which appears in the second to last line of dialogue.
This is pretty interesting writing. Mature for a teenager. Of course your main character is bitching about how his life sucks when he basically is doing everything he can to sabotage himself. Is anyone ever going to point that out to him? Is he going to realize it himself? Is he ever going to talk to anyone? (Stories NEED dialogue). You also need to proof read your work more closely. There are several spelling errors that won't show up on spell check because the misspelling spells a real word...
Elle, Once you get going I'm sure this tale will get interesting but your opening is weak--especially the first sentence. There is too much dialogue with too many different characters for a scene set on a gallows. The scene just goes on too long and you could improve the setting with creaking boards under Shen's feet or the taste of salt-laden air. I applaud your choice of words--"boards" for ships, "surety" for oath, etc. Makes the world you are creating more real. Shen appears to be an hono...
I was reading along, following your story line nicely when BANG I came to a huge error in your script that stopped me cold. In poker, unless this story is set in an alternate universe, a straight flush is the highest hand you can get. It does not lose to a full house. Delete the word flush from the description and everything flows correctly in accordance with the rules laid down by the poker gods. Next: "There is a desperate look on Seth’s face, it is a desperate plea for help." How about jus...
You have talent. "Connect the snots" made me laugh. Anyone with a dog knows that one. Mooch is a great character. I get it that Sam is injured and has gone to the woods to recover but so far there is no indication of a plot--no foreshadowing of conflict to come and that is a weakness. The rule in mysteries is: Open with a body. The rule in Action Adventure should be: Open with action. Otherwise a reader might not stick around long enough to discover that you write well and with a touch of hum...
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