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War_Cry's profile
AGE:
53
LOC: Whittier, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: February 10
LOC: Whittier, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: February 10
...and next time when you start to speak
and say that oddness makes them freak -
Remember, things not understood and different don’t think, “If I could, I’d want to be like all the rest.”
We know that different is the best!
Items
Version 1
2 Reviews
2 Comments
So once again I hear them ring. My heart just aches, it doesn't sing. Words whispered vainly in my ear, With hopes I'll make their dreams appear. But one thing that they just don't think, Is when they walk 'Fantasias’ brink? Things twist and turn, warp out of line - Cheap tin replacing metals fine. I can't condemn their banal lines, &nbs...
Version 1
2 Reviews
2 Comments
T'was a fiery night whenst first I'd seen 'mongst shooting stars those moonlit eyes. Hence, do I now not know sweet slumber. For my dreams lie whenst they were cast: On lands, strange and barren - thirsty and parched, Crying out for Hope's soft replies. But soft replies and moonlit eyes, I shall not see. Gentle love son...
Version 1
1 Review
2 Comments
With varied textures, I sculpt together a ‘semblance of depth that I seem to lack. And as I _pierce_ together the puzzle, I find that what I held dear was paradox, not fact. Sessions that I, alone, attended - flunking, failing . . . but looking back now, I see the knowledge stored in velvet chambers, satin black. All the varied versions of visions that have been seen by, seemingly, virtuous men, are but one of the aspirations towards which I do not feel a heartfelt yen. For were it to be goo...
Version 1
4 Reviews
0 Comments
To "BE ON TOP" is not as important as what you're on top of!
Version 1
17 Reviews
5 Comments
You crossdress and I find that you're prettier than I. I'll set aside the questions; The how's, the what's, the why's. And get down to the basic, important things of Life. Not, "How long have you done it." - or, "Have you told your wife?". You see, that's not my business, plus, I don't even care. I want to know the color you're using on your hair! And where'd you get those shoes at? I find it hard to find, a shoe that still looks sexy (when your size passes 9). And when I see your outfit? I g...
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Reviews
A lot better! But you have a double space between the first and second verse. You've got the idea not you can have fun playing with it. When it's broken, it's easier on the reader. You might want to study up on some punctuation...you (as I do!)overabuse and misplace the comma. I know, what a pain, but it's important! Example of spacing and punctuation: I saw a mans laughter. I saw a manslaughter. See what a difference one space makes? Wow! I did not want to overpick it, if you want further li...
As your notes said, it is meant to be read so I cannot critique the poetry-overall category. Your clarity is defined with your scenes and descriptions but as to the overall message - I'm not sure what it is. Thus, your clarity is divided between imagery which is VERY GOOD and your objective which is, to me, very undiscernable. Don't know if you are hopeful and or have given up at the end. I really do like the portion pertaining to the brushes! Interesting - keep reading your pieces.
Correct the spelling of frivolous. You wrote: Memories of years gone by, gay frivivlous times, sorrowful hard times all mix in to a life lived together Play with structure to entice. Example: Memories of years gone by; Gay frivolous times. Sorrowful, hard times. All mix in to a life lived together. Divide the three first lines (they are of one thought)then start with the next verse with graying hair, and so on. Don't be afraid to indent and have fun with aesthetic structure. That's one of the...
Great descriptions and analogies, i.e.; the shoes and stepchild. Correct the spelling of HIMALAYAN. Try capitalizing at least the first word of each verse. What about: The avenue - a Himalayan incline. Sixty (spell it out) years tattered midst streams of the wine. Also, change the punctuation here and combine spider web: But with rustic red cheeks and spiderweb nose, Good luck! Enjoyable reading - that's for the review notes!
Very well written and emotional piece. I don't see a lot to change except to perfect the punctuation AND in the first verse the 'ticks' went on a bit too long. You might want to shorten them up a bit and, if not, insert a space between the comma and the next word. What I like is that you took on a subject most would not think or try to tackle. Bravo! It's refreshing to find unique subjects written by unique perspectives and done well. Keep finding the rare insights and keep writing about them!
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