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AGE: 34
LOC: Canada
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 18

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Short Story / The Undelivered Letters
Version 1
2 Reviews   0 Comments
Elise Peterson walked up the street to her house at 219 King St., stopped at the end of her sidewalk, and sighed. The winter’s first snowfall had arrived while she was at work, and a fluffy white rug now covered each step. It was unseasonably chilly for November, and she could feel a cold coming on. She glanced at the house of her former neighbors, the Smiths, across the street, two doors down. A thin ridge of snow clung to the top of the For Sale sign hanging in the front yard. A cheery yel...
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Short Story / Jeremy's Endeavour
Version 1
2 Reviews   1 Comment
It was Friday night, and Jeremy was looking to get laid. He was in the bathroom, in front of the mirror, looking for pimples. He soaked his hair, toweled it off, rubbed in some Vaseline to hold it in place. His glasses were off, he had already forced in a pair of contacts. Wearing only a pair of briefs and a pair of socks, he stopped in the kitchen to scribble a note for Sarah and leave it on the table. She was still at work. In the closet, he pulled on his tightest jeans, his cleanest white...
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Novel Treatments / Bardimax - Chapter 3 excerpt
Lots of nice irony in this chapter. I like how the hooker's "what do you want?" echoes receptionist Angela from the previous chapter. This is the kind of male protagonist I can relate to (i.e. a loser). Google originated in 1999, so it wasn't nearly the popular household word it is today. It seems a bit unlikely it'd just pop into his head if he was living in 1999. The digression about the driving habits of the elderly was a bit long, but quite funny. I think it could be tightened up a bit. I...
Novel Treatments / Bardimax - Chapter 2 excerpt
I like this piece even more than the excerpt from chapter one. The humour is quite a bit stronger here. "But this mysterious They organisation" I like how you've pointed out that most people use "they" without knowing to whom they're referring. Technically, I don't think ‘What do you want?’ can be an ultimatum, because it's a question. "Hmmmm, strong with the dark side of the Force, is she." This line is a bit too much of a cliche, and a bit too juvenile. I like the concept of "farting distan...
There's some nice imagery here that effectively evokes the past. I like the almost-fragmented quality of the first sentence. You might reconsider using the word "indescriptiveness", it's just so unwieldly it draws too much attention to itself. I'm wondering if the last sentence could be tightened up a bit to make it more dramatic. This seems like a very good start and it should be continued.
Short Story / Jonah's Garden
Removed
Romance / Learning to Love
The grammar needs quite a bit of work. Using a comma before the dialog, as in '"Then at her, “Can’t leave you out here..."' creates a confusing attribution (i.e. it sounds like she said it, not him). It's usually good practice to separate multiple adjectives with commas (e.g. "Big, fluffy, white clouds." "She didn’t want to let him know he was right she was afraid of him." There should be a colon after "right". It seems unlikely that a bad-boy type like this Tyler would be cautious enough to ...
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