VelvetEclipse's profile

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AGE: 29
LOC: Dallas, TX
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 12

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Novel Treatments / Hellhound
Version 2
6 Reviews   0 Comments
I was in my garden when he showed up. The summer sun was blazing on my neck. The sweet perfume of peonies, carnations and roses drifted in the humid air. Hummingbirds, bees, and butterflies flitted from flower to flower, creating a busy atmosphere. I had just finished settling a mint in its new home, when I heard my back gate creak open. I looked up and blinked with surprise when I saw whom it was. He was well over six feet with a runner's build. The classic Grecian features were still perfe...
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Novel Treatments / Cerebus
Version 1
3 Reviews   1 Comment
I was in my garden when he showed up. The summer sun was blazing on my neck. The sweet perfume of peonies, carnations and roses drifted in the humid air. Hummingbirds, bees, and butterflies flitted from flower to flower, creating a busy atmosphere. I had just finished settling a mint in its new home, when I heard my back gate creak open. I looked up and blinked with surprise when I saw whom it was. He was well over six feet with a runner’s build. The classic Grecian features were still perfec...
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Poetry / An Adult's Hands
Version 1
7 Reviews   0 Comments
An adult’s hands On a child’s skin Forgive me, I didn’t know Your moral line was so thin In the shadows of night Your hands and voice Pulled me from my dreams Giving me little choice Everyday when I faced you In my heart dwelled dread Alas, foolish little me For not a word I said You waited impatiently To get me isolated To push the boundaries To play the games I hated You already had someone Which your hands could pet Did you have to seek me out? Were your needs not met? The trust my guardia...
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Reviews
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Arius
"Quietly disquieting her minds working and un-whirling a sadness so deep, it seized, twisted and crushed the very last holdings of all her senses." I don't know what this is supposed to mean. What is "quietly disquieting?" The are several grammatical errors in the story, such as several possessive words with no apostrophe. I am unsure if this is supposed to be a prologue or just a summery. The story seems a little flat, but that may just be because it is so short. It is good if it is a prologue.
This is a great story. I could not find any grammatical or spelling errors. In the first few paragraphs Le-Yetal seemed a little flat, but he was fleshed out very well as the chapter progressed. The description was pretty good, but I was having a hard time getting a feel for the interior of the ship. Overall I think this is a very believable Sci/fi story and I would definitely read further.
I like Version one better. Even if it does have more action I think it helps the dialogue. Also, in version 2 I am a little confused about some of the action. Was she sitting on the bed the whole time? In the beginning she sat down on the bed but the rest of the action seems to have her standing. Version 1 is better described to me.
Novel Treatments / Kaeus (The Chosen Revised)
This is really good. It keeps me wanting to read more. The pacing is very good and I love the description. The setting is very well developed. I can actually picture what you are describing. The only hing I could see changing is perhaps rearaanging some of the sentences: :For example, this sentence is close to a run-on: "The population may be dropping within the city, but traffic only seemed to increase and the only way to get around was by foot or bike."
I love the idea of this story. It sounds like it would be a fun read. "Below that in smaller type and a different colour (blue if you must know) it continued" -Instead of the parenthesis why not just say it was written in blue ink? To me the parenthesis take away from the story. Other than that i think the story is great.
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