Unnaturalyeti's profile
AGE:
19
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 14
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 14
Dramatis Personae:
Me? I have a personality? Shit, that’s new.
Heh. Right, I’m Chris, aka Fitza: due to my last name being Fitzpatrick. Aren’t friends inventive people? I’m fairly normal… emphasis on the ‘fairly’ there I think. I’m a keen musician, play a lot of instruments, but only a couple well =P. I write a few lyrics/poems, sure I’ll find the time to post them in the blog. I’m 16, enjoying being legally able to do… well, pretty much nothing more, apart from the obvious of course ;) , but it’s the thought that counts, yes?
The things about me:
Poet
Musician
Future World Dictator
Human Being
Agony “Uncle”
Part Time Chandelier Cleaner
Life Representative of The Liquitarian Society Of Great Britain
However, non-dr…
Items
Version 1
2 Reviews
2 Comments
I reach. I reach and reach. I stretch, I... I yearn! I long to know, to see, to touch, To feel. But as I touch your face, I know Just like I knew before; That all I touch is a mirror, Reflecting the image in my eyes. A love; Unrequited, hopeless, Lost, but not found. Beautiful, desperate. Terrifying. Neccessary. And now the mirror moves! It pushes in on me, it... Consumes me! And all I know is you. All I see is you. But still I feel... nothing. Nothing at all. The thing is, you were never her...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
2 Reviews
0 Comments
From far away, I hear; A voice. Screaming a suicidal song Of courage, of hope... And fear. In my heart, I feel an alien beat A distant battering, a falling wail And from not so far, comes; A shower of half-cooked chunks of meat. Realisation comes, A numbing shock! It is my plaintive cries that rend the air. My words, That exhort these men against those heart-rending guns. The stink, oh, the stink. Foetid, blood-ridden. So thick it seems to turn the air itself; A gratish, ...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
1 Review
0 Comments
Waiting, stands the Judge. A face of stern removal springs, unthinking, From 'neath devil's shadowed eyes. And all the court stands witness, Risen; unbidden, By that squat, daemon shadow. Before such visceral a visage, The victim quails, and seems without soul; Dead to all the world. For do not his eyes, from lightning to leaded cloud Seem to dim? Without hope, or any seeming chance, Of a gentler, more merciful mood prevailing. "Why? Why should I knowing of your crime. And...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
2 Reviews
2 Comments
He stands admist his broken friends, As bloodied hands beat down. Helm split asunder, blade smashed upon the floor And calling to him, comes the gallows. The stink, oh, the stink. Foetid, blood-ridden. So thick it seems to turn the air itself; A gratish, unwashed pink. And as the shield wall begins to bend, A realisation arrives. Death stands among them all, And against him, how do you defend? So up comes that broken blade, In movements violent, and terrible to see. A&nb...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
4 Reviews
3 Comments
My hands are splayed out on the wall Grasping, crawling; Fingers slipping. Spider-like shadows scurry. And slate grey eyes watch the whispers they make. Time is no longer on my side. So I have to rush, I have to run. And no longer do I know, If I'll be there in time. And now the shadows grasp Lines spread outward. And the canvas begins to glow To bleed. Those lines make a shape. A circle. A doorway? The fingers crawl to the edge, And rip away the hanging remains. So now I can run through the ...
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Reviews
Not a bad effort. My favourite part was the "Sun of Kenya" line, a nice play on words there. As you say, Shakespeare inspired! A nice, appropriate, dry sense of humour at the end. Maybe, you could change that end to a question? "So why do I cower?" Not sure if that's better, but I like to make at least one suggestion! Yes, anyway, I liked this. Some good work :).
Well, this had some good points, and some bad points. The thing that really leapt out at me, was the lack of any kind of structure and consistency. Something like this either needs to be short, or sorted into short stanzas each addressing one of the issues you're talking about. Your rhyming style is also, well, all over the place. One minute it's rhyming couplets, then no rhyming, then rhyming every other line. You need to sort this out. Random rhyming just messes up with the flow of your pie...
Well, this was interesting. Longer poetry always fascinates me, because personally, I find it hard to keep an idea going for any significant length of time. I've had a few attempts, and it always peters out. Anyway! Onto yours. Throughout this, there are some striking images: "We’re then put in shock on how we misunderstood the storm. And yet we’re still smiling at Eros’s ironic frown, Oblivious to how much the sky has been torn." That one was a particular favourite. The idea of Cupid being a...
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