Treatsa's profile

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AGE: 32
LOC: Canada
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 06

Malapropist fled from Urbis because my baby gave him the evil eye.

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Items
Poetry / M.I.A.
Version 1
1 Review   5 Comments
Soft and bright, Two eyes, a nose, just feet with no toes. Behind the refrigerator. Left behind during a game of “How high?” Distracted, forgotten, unknown. Sitting on the hot coils Catching alight. Soft and bright.  
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Flash Fiction / Last visit to the toy store
Version 8
2 Reviews   9 Comments
“Do you feel like walking off the cheesecake?” asked the mother, feeling the silk plant leaves next to their booth. “Why not,” her daughter said, rubbing her soft belly. “It’s my day off from being mommy, and that cheesecake was good. I deserved it!” “I never had a day off with you,” her mother said, pouting. “You’re so spoiled!” She held her compact in one hand while applying a diminishing tube of lipstick with the other. The two laughed while leaving the restaurant and walked up the Oak-li...
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Short Story / Last visit to the toy store
Version 7
4 Reviews   46 Comments
“Do you feel like walking off the cheesecake?” asked the mother, fingering the silk plant leaves next to their booth. “Why not,” her daughter said. “It’s my day off from being mommy, and that cheesecake was good.” She rubbed her soft belly. “I deserved it!” “I never had a day off with you,” her mother said, pouting. “You’re so spoiled!” She held her compact in one hand while applying a diminishing tube of lipstick with the other. The two laughed while leaving the restaurant and walked up the...
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Short Story / Last visit to the toy store
Version 6
1 Review   8 Comments
“Do you feel like walking off the cheesecake?” asked the mother, fingering the silk plant leaves next to their booth. “Why not,” her daughter said. “It’s my day off from being mommy, and that cheesecake was good.” She rubbed her soft belly. “I deserved it!” “I never had a day off with you,” her mother said, pouting. “You’re so spoiled!” She held her compact in one hand while applying a nearly done tube of lipstick with the other. The two laughed while leaving the restaurant and walked up the...
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Flash Fiction / Last visit to the toy store
Version 5
3 Reviews   33 Comments
“Have a great day ladies,” the waitress said as she swooped past the table and picked up the billfold with the legal tender sticking out the top. She managed to keep her stride. “Do you feel like walking off the cheesecake?” asked the mother as she stood up. “Why not,” her daughter said. “It’s my afternoon off from being mommy. And that cheesecake was good.” She rubbed her soft belly. “I deserved it!” The mother enjoyed being a grandmother more than she thought she would and took extra pleas...
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Reviews
Poetry / plasmatic
by mimici
I like it. I don't know much about poetry but I think it could use some work with the physical form. In the middle the reading speeds up the way it is presented right now. "Eve was one of them" should stand alone I think.
Short Story / "My First Crush"
by cooljim102055
If you are submitting this for the opportunities it should start with a query letter to Ms. Einstein. I see a comma where a period should be: if you will, Mrs,Golden. Saying "that sure didn't hurt" in reference of her smile feels wrong. You want this to be directed at children and you still use the voice of an adult. "beautiful soft warm eyes" should be "beautiful, soft, warm eyes" Saying "I sorta melted" is weak. Sorta weakens the melted. "seem to deepen" is 'deepened'. Strengthen your verbs...
50.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
Short Story / The Desperate and the Damned Chap. 1
by mimici
You said that the rain was relentless but also that his smoke rings drift up. The rain would have shot so many little holes in those rings. Just saying. You've got some lonely quotation marks hanging out at the end of "first customer of the night" The writing is strong. I can hear the rain, smell the smoke. I hope to read more of this.
Non-fiction / Untitled hair memoir /1st revision
by mimici
"immunity from her trash cans." - I think I liked the way you worded it in the first version better. The word 'immunity' has been destroyed by reality TV. "at the Temple of Fuck You." wasn't it "to the..." in the first version? I liked that better too. In fact I LOVED the first version, but I'm an ex-betty myself. Not quite the same vintage but your imagery and honesty really spoke to me. "fags and artist types" - missing a comma. The bit of dialogue you have with the hairdresser should be in...
Novel Treatments / Chpt. 9: Ivan Fucks us All
by acdoyler
First sentence - 'he's initiated'. really? he is? Whatever you say. I like the personification of Katrina and think the story would read well if you continued this. Instead of referring to the hurricane as it try she, or he for Ivan. You mention 'gas lines' twice in the chap as well. The first time I read it as the way you meant it the second time. It took me a second to get that you meant the lines of cars waiting for gas. You also mention their single malts but I think you should get specif...
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