Tola's profile

Started off well, I thought it was clever in spite of the profanity which was a bit overused. You could have reserved it for the places where it would have really shined and made a make but by over using it, the oaths were watered down. I assume they are lyrics which are spoken or rapped rather than sung and as such they are very powerful. I wanted the message though to be a bit clearer - I felt you ended up in a place where you didn't start - you ended up talking about how it was your time t...

First of all, good idea. I like the switching between the two 'worlds' and the idea of the game moving from the computer into the real world. Clever. There are a few things that I thought weren't so hot in your writing. Specifying someone's cup size (double D) is not appealling to female readers and sounds cheap. You should find a more subtle way of letting the reader know the protagonist is a sexy woman with a good chest if that is at all necessary to the plot which it probably isn't. The pr...

Overall there are some interesting ideas here. You wanted not to give too much away and you don't do that but neither do you give the reader enough to go on unless, as you the last sentence suggests this is folk song and you're writing it as an introduction to the main body of the book. If it is that, then it is probably a bit too long. The repetition of falling and so forth could be cut - the reader understands repetition without quite as much as you give here. Some the rhymes also appear a ...

Good poem. Very, very atmospheric. Your work conjures up a very real world and lets us, the readers, in on some very private moments and ultimately a very dark time for the poet. The rhythm of the words is very strong most of the time and your choice of words is vivid and true. I particularly like 'I languished on his black sheets' - of course, they would be black. It fits with the 'dude'. I don't know if you meant to use the word 'opulent' in two verses or not but when I read it it jarred sl...