-Much clearer about Brandon's journal. -"And the director..." => This line seems out of place, as though it doesn't belong. -Lord’s logic. => HA! -I think the dream sequence comes on a little too quickly. Almost as though it was just added on, because it fit in there, rather than being a part of the story. -hand[,] it => The only reason I mention this, is because of the natural pause when reading it out loud. -Much better transition from the dream-state to reality. -I think that 'thi...

-seconds[,] let -"really, really, secretly" => Erp. Something about this sounds _wrong_. Maybe 'like in secret' or something like that? Or take out the 'really'-duo. -'talent less' => Either one word or use a dash...no? -'you[,] but' -Okay...This one just seems like a bitch session from old_seville, with a momentary interlude from Leonei_Snhoj. Unfortunately, I found myself lost in the middle and trying to catch up. While the commentary and insults were biting and strong, I felt as thou...

-Okay. I'm thinking I missed something between 5 and 6. _When_ did he fight the angel? After reviewing, I'll go back and check, but I don't remember anything like that. -'marks on his face' => Did she give them to him? If not, why is she upset about it? -All right. Rod = Jesus. _This_ has to end well. -I think Cheryl's psychology/religion problem could be explored a bit more. She just accepts both with blind faith? They're contradictory to each other (one is based on logic, the other faith...

-"a place..." => Most people know what a coffee shop is. I think this can be cut out. -weeks[,] I saw... -I'd suggest having 'needed' italicized. It makes it that much more potent. -'from my seat in front of the computer' => Unnecessary. -followed[,] I made -'...lingered[. H]overed.' -Typically you want to write out numbers. -...us[,] the family... -An amazing story. It's a look into a mother's mind, something that I haven't ever been privy to. I think that your calling your son meant m...

-too[,] instinctively... (otherwise it comes off as 'fast' rather than 'also') -20,000 = twenty thousand -chest [no comma] and -which => Works better as 'that' or just 'ventilator taped...' -sporadically[,] indicating -I'd suggest using single periods, rather than ellipses. -table[,] he... -pupils dilated => Switch these words. The way you have it comes off as telling, switching them puts it into showing. -"as [she?] mopped" -I, as a reader, am wondering how you got into see this gentle...

-"into and out" => IMHO, unnecessary. People know what penetrating and exiting is, good to stick with that and would still read the same. Maybe something like, "...and exiting of the taunt..." (and it should be taut, not taunt. Taunt is 'teasing') -"The needle rapes..." => Excellent imagery. -FYI : The cloth, while sterile, is also soaked in a soap-water mixture to clean the tattoo as it's being done. -Roses are typically red and green, where does the black come in? -mind perfectly[,] w...

-"hunched over[,] as if" -Typically don't want to start a sentence with 'and' -"A great room..." => Sounds a little yoda-ish. May want to change that. -"rugs[,] tapestries" -"And a few..." => Maybe 'as well as a few...' or something like that. -The perception keeps changing and it becomes rather jarring. I.E. "She probably thought" then you continue with what she DID think about. -I enjoyed the story and it was rather moving. But, the switch in narrator/perception kind of detracts from ...

-"fun, and the boss's" => No comma, no need for an apostrophe on the end of 'boss' -"kwashiorkor" => Eh? -Absolutely hilarious. Unexpected ending and I wouldn't change anything about it. Thanks for sharing this and I sincerely hope it DOES get published.

Overall, I think it's an interesting 'biography.' I think that 'ages' five and six should be switched, due to not making sense. But, even with the switch, you would still give the same impression as you're aiming for. At the age of nine, you make a mention of an hour, but at the end it's a thousand years. Continuity error or trying to throw off the reader? Twenty-three : ANother three startups? Twenty-five : The parentheses don't make sense. I _think_ you're aiming for it supposedly being 'hu...

Excellent perception of life. However, the frequent flyer miles doesn't really work there. Unless, you talk about how you 'fly off the handle' at things. Something like that? Hope this helps.