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TirzahLaughs's profile
AGE:
36
LOC: Latonia, KY
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 23
LOC: Latonia, KY
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: September 23
I have been writing since I was eleven. I write poetry, short stories, and I keep trying to finish my novel. All I have ever wanted was to be a better writer. I love reading and I think I am a very good reviewer of other’s work. I hope they agree.
I have lived my whole life in Kentucky. I don’t recommmend it if you get a choice. I love dogs, books, and powertools in that exact order. I am happily single, I have no children, and I am currently working on becoming a better human being. It may take a while.
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Version 1
3 Reviews
3 Comments
Uncertain electricity sizzles in the tatters of my hair, my teeth biting air. Wild red flashes seizing my body with a frightening hiss, twitching along my startled fingertips. My fingers, my claws... Scrape the institutional paint From the doors, floors, walls. My bones break with bubbles of joy. I crack, howl, bend, my jaw extends... Come Little Red Riding Hood, Won't you let me in?
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I like a lot of this. It would sound better to the ear if you change throughout to through. It may be more correct your way but it sounds better without the out. 'Will be' is weak. It would sound better as "A few nights a week, a voice calls his name' Will be weakens your line. 'Two voices heard one another'--is a bit confusing. Second to last stanza is your build up to the big finish. The last three lines are stronger than the first two but it works mostly. You don't need "but i'm worried" i...
Actually, I reading a gay romance novel right now...that I found on an other site. I don't think you'd have a problem with the gay part of story unless you are gearing it toward children. Even then, there are some successful teen coming-out books available. If you can't write it yet, try doing a diary from one of them. It'll grow on its own eventually. Oh, most of your critera don't fit such a short piece. You might really want to get rid of some of the ones that don't apply yet because it is...
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