If you changed "lying" to "lies" you would then have the 17 syllables for a haiku or senryu; THEN, the THREE lines would be: the beauty lies deep with your heart all too dearly I don't want to part This is, perhaps, a bit too ambiguous for most readers--could you make your thoughts clearer? A decent start, though. Keep on! TA

This is a very powerful beginning. That said, I feel it needs more detail. Could you give us a sense of where the character is? Also, I think you could describe the pain the person is in a bit more. And, WHAT vein is cut? Additionally, answer this: is this the first time the character has tried this? In sum, a good start, but it needs MORE. TA

What with the opening of "V" this week on TV and the proliferation of interest in aliens in general, this is a real treat. You have a sure sense of rhythm in your eight syllable lines, and the ABAB rhyme scheme fits nicely. I also like how you carry over the sentence between stanzas 1 and 2. My only quibble (and it's a small one) is with the title: although I understand it and it fits well (once the poem is finished), it somehow seems a bit vague or too applicable to too many other situations...

1. I like the fact that the title does not mean what one would first assume it means (i.e. poker, horse-racing, lotto). As a reader, I enjoy and appreciate surprises. 2. The sonnet form you chose is not the most popular--and I like that; ditto the rhyme pattern. 3. The off rhynme between entrance and advance doesn't bother me (since they LOOK alike); some might think this a weakness, though. 4. At first I found the sentence ending after survive jarring because it suspended the nice rhuthm you...

1. Your title serves a dual purpose: one hinges on the usual meaning of "bibelot" and the other refers relexively to you; good stuff, although I wonder how you would keep the second layer if this were published in a book....unless you choose to publish as Bibelot? 2. I enjoy your use of the courtly narrative--part love story part battle--with the female castle and the intruder (whom you cleverly keep ungendered). 3. Suggestion: in stanza 4, change which to it; since you are writing sentences ...

I would assume that this is a deity dealing with the joys and miseries of the sentient being s/he has created. This is so good and so profound that I almost feel that the title is a bit too trivial--although I will admit it adds a certain grim humor to the persona. The only lines I really have trouble connecting to the central meaning are the last two in stanza three...could these be clearer? And also I miss the significance of the "covered" eyes. The last stanza is the most evocative as the ...

1/ comma after embraced? 2/ substitute by for to after embraced? 3/ change period after need for a colon? 4/ might you add a stanza or two BEFORE these to show what non-sleeping life is like? this might reveal why sleep and dreams are so important to the persona TA

1/ Punctuation in poetry is very subjective, yet I "feel: a semi-colon at the end of line one and then a period at the end of line two; 2/ Of course, you have by now discovered that the urbis program cannot handle the dash, which leaves you with the issue of printing poems that incorrectly employ the hypen....your call (and same goes for "Divided Life"); 3/ I don't think you need a punctuation mark at the end of line four because the flow seems to go from stanza to stanza, yes? 4/ Either a co...

1/ Somehow "deign to" seems superfluous in line 5; delete and add "that" before "this"? 2/ colon after yesterday? 3/ could you exchange the "a" before scream with "my"? in my inner reading I see/hear the persona actually screaming, but perhaps you do not; Please note: I have shifted my critical expression purposefully; you are good, and you don't need me to stroke your ego; from now on I will try to be terse and helpful; I will only wax rhapsodic if something really stinks. TA

Errata: first word in line 3 should be "off" Content: This is very earnest, and your style is formal yet easy to understand. However, this piece would be stronger if you were more specific: can you give at least one example of how the person was hurt? What did they do? What did the others do? Also, it would be stronger if the writer shared a SPECIFIC experience of their own that shows s/he is an exTApert. In short, this piece is an outline for something potentially very good, but it needs fle...