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Tempejack's profile
AGE:
33
LOC: Tempe, AZ
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 08
LOC: Tempe, AZ
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 08
I joined Urbis as an experiment, and now, 180 reviews of short stories and novel treatments later, I’ll fill this out. My stats (for all you single ladies): I am as wide as I am tall, jaundiced, wear coke-bottle glasses with a massive overbite, living in Tempe, Arizona (thus the clever username). If you’re ever in town look me up—you can’t miss me!
Turn-ons: A bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, massage oil and a full roll of toilet paper.
Turn-offs: The mystical warrior and vampire stories, even if they have a hot female protagonist who gits nekkid, that comprise 99% of Urbis posts. Think you have a new twist on those stories? Think you’ll make millions selling your tripe to 14 year-old pre-pubescent teenage boys? Probably no…
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Version 1
18 Reviews
51 Comments
From under the protection of a weathered wooden building Steve took in his surroundings. Lightening flashed and lit the desert in a brilliant pale blue light. Mountains shone bright as day against the backdrop of an angry black sky. Thunder crashed and shook the ground under his feet. Water roared through the wash across the dirt road that led to the freeway some forty miles distant. So close yet so far away, due to the raging torrent of water that would surely drown him and his jeep. Only te...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 3
15 Reviews
24 Comments
“God this _sucks_!” Steve muttered into the night. Rain coursed over his eyes while he surveyed the flooded wash that cut across the dirt road, illuminated by his headlights. The opposite bank of the wash led to the freeway forty miles distant. Between him and that bank was a raging torrent of foamy brown water ten feet wide but of unknown depth. He ran his pale plump fingers through his dripping, bowl-cut brown hair. Two years prior, Steve had gotten his Jeep stuck in a mud puddle at the mal...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
14 Reviews
17 Comments
With battle lines drawn, two warring tribes of mice prepare for another day of deadly combat. Aside from a few brief times of peace, this morning will begin as it had every morning, for as long as any one in Patria or Mumia could remember. Each fighting force was made of three parts: a right flank, middle, and a left flank. As the sun rose above them, the leaders of Mumia and Patria would decide how each of their three parts would interact. Sometimes their actions would be met with success, s...
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Version 1
22 Reviews
7 Comments
Kevin’s throat was parched. The desert sun shone brightly, burning exposed skin. Stinging sweat dripped from under his helmet into his eyes as he looked around. He was in the middle of a flat desolate desert devoid of any cover—an easy target. There were no mountain ranges in the distance, no cities or towns to be seen anywhere. Miles of peach colored sand spread in every direction. Kevin turned, continuously looking over his shoulder. His back felt exposed, and he was anxious about the threa...
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Version 1
14 Reviews
15 Comments
Kevin rubbed his burning eyes. Crying and riding in the turret without his goggles on had dried them out. He picked through his field first-aid kit and found a bottle of saline, which he squirted into each red, swollen eye. Casper quickly located Jeff’s last coordinates, and the men fanned out to find the remains of the Iraq trail. Once located, they regrouped and followed the two tracks, predator and prey, watching for signs of Jeffrey and his spotter. The men silently walked several miles, ...
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Reviews
I know this is a short story, and without knowing what you have planned for Dale, I say this still moved too fast. We don't get much of a physical picture of Dale or his environment before the switch, for starters. I don't picture him as muscle-bound as a pro wrestler, so when he is transported into this man's body he'd be keen to try some things out--crushing beer cans or something that would add even more depth to his personality. For him to arrive in the body and instantly be confronted by...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
This is both better and worse than the draft I read originally. It might be hard, but it's important for the reader to be able to focus on what your point is--what is your point exactly? The opening with the episode works very well, and I see you've made paragraphs out of another sentence with a different effect which worked great in that context. I see style developing slowly but surely here, and begin to see your "writers voice" forming. The last sentence is a great line and sign of self aw...
You've put more thought into this than most people put into a blog or a diary entry. However because you are talking about yourself to yourself (which is what a diary is) the imagery, mood and tone which probably seem powerful to you are lost on the reader. I was excited when you gave me a warning about an episode, thinking it was going to put me right inside your mad mindset. It did not. I'll let others nitpick the grammatical issues such as commas that break up sentences, run-on sentences o...
A good start with an interesting premise and well-developed character/setting. I'd like to see more of the oddball types that I imagine inhabit this town in my homestate. Yes, I wanted to read on, until the chase scene. Everything flowed nicely until the chase scene, which really interrupted the flow of the piece. Don't get so bogged down in creating a situation with the sedan and a truck, just have him block both lanes on that side of the highway. The sexual tension caught me by surprise, an...
Good word use, I especially liked the descriptions of joints like whetstones and gravel. The language borders on too florid, but not quite over the top. Some of the more flowery lines impede the flow of the post and I found myself going back to reread them. Its a good scene, well scripted and the dialogue is believable, though it is out of context. The post begins with a war weary, tired and defeated column, with no explanation as to why. My largest problem came with the abrupt ending. After ...
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