StutheRabbit's profile
AGE:
28
LOC: LA, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 14
LOC: LA, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 14
Let me start off by saying I don’t like people.
Ok, that may not be strictly true, but I’m not here to make friends or get smoke blown up my ass. I’m here to get solid feedback from people who know what they’re talking about, and to meet writers that are as serious about their writing as I am.
Unfortunately, 80% of you don’t fall into that category, and I’m probably being generous. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen people get offended by real critiques, usually because they’ve never had anyone but friends and family tell them how great they are. If this is you, let’s not waste each others’ time. First of all, I wouldn’t be telling you anything you couldn’t read in a writing book anyway, and second, you really have not…
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Items
Version 3
34 Reviews
34 Comments
I. I’m calling this a poem, and sticking it in the poetry section, not because I’m giving it line breaks to control the flow, or because some of the lines can have multiple meanings, or even because I consider my inane ramblings the slightest bit poetic, but mainly as a big Fuck You to all the people who tell Brien and I that what we do is not poetry. If I say it’s a poem, it’s a goddamn poem, so don’t tell me you think it would work better as prose, because I haven’t packed up my life (or my...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 3
9 Reviews
6 Comments
for Sarah I’d like to poison you with hemlock Every time you pout – Or slice across your stomach And rip your entrails out. I’d like to chop your head off Every time you whine – Or gouge you with an ice pick, Severing your spine. I’d like to roast you in an oven, Or bash your skull in with a bat Every time you squeal on me, You little fucking brat. I’d like to send you far away, Or throw you in the trash – Or put you up for auction And make a pocketful of cash. Or I could chop you into to pie...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
2 Reviews
3 Comments
Carotin, your eyes Shine dark Blindness Cricket thighs Rub theremin Your hands, Antennas. Catching radio waves, Pheremones, A scarab. Talisman hangs Pillows, A pyramid. Asp & Mantis Thorax, abdomen. Blindness climax, Your eyes gasp onyx Exhaustion.
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
10 Reviews
5 Comments
One day in the summer of ’69, 30,000 angry mothers showed up at a Doors concert to scold Jim Morrison for dropping his pants on stage at a previous show, said the radio announcer, as she paid tribute to Jim on what would’ve been his 62nd birthday, adding that the incident resulted in the cancellation of 25 shows that year, before turning the microphone over to Jim, who sang a haunting rendition of Riders on the Storm. Riders on the storm, riders on the storm, Into this house we’re born, into ...
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Reviews
Not bad; it would be interesting to see this mapped out in a circle. My only critique is your throwing in more words than need to be there, which is throwing off your cadence. It's a pretty morbid picture too, what maybe calls for a counterpoint. Not sure I'd use crawling, but try this: Effortless in our individual magnificence Awaiting judgment of earned insignificance Trapped in this life, we’re doomed to believe Yet skeletons crawling are all that we leave
At first I didn't like this, but I warmed a little to it by the end. I'll make this quick as possible. "My lover" is just so...blegh. Use her name instead, and maybe a 2-3 line description that gives us a little detail. ...drops into an easy sleep, a rare gift. Like what? "I wait for the same" is unnecessary, and sloppy. Soothe doesn't really seem like the right word choice. Mend? Unimaginable depths of time is pretty cliche, but you seem to make it work. Overall these are relatively minor f...
This is really good, and you know I don't just say that. Most things would be nit-picky, or a matter of preference. You don't need a comma in the first line. I don't really like the word "secret," and bowed and prayed seem like they're backwards, and a couple little words like the "the" in the last line could go. It's really well done though, the only real thing I'd be worried about is overall it seems a little ordinary. Like maybe you want to expland on the parenthetical, which I would proba...
These sound like they could probably be song lyrics if you came up with a chorus. As a poem it's got some good lines - like the first 3 i really liked, and the first two and last two lines of the last stanza work well. A lot of the rest of it though doesn't really capture me. It's vague, and none of the imagery is really surprising or makes me stop and think.
Very heartfelt, so it's hard for me to critique. I would say it didn't end up where I thought it would though. If I catch your meaning, it's that all these images and events evoke sorrow. The phrasing is a little strange, but with the tone I do not think it will be misunderstood, and I like it because it really makes me contemplate the phrase. Overall though, it really depends on what you want to do with this piece. If it's a cathartic experience, that's good, but if you're really interested ...
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