This was good, just a little rushed. I would elaborate on the dream a little more and maybe have them talk about it a little longer. As far as what's said on the news: I havent read the first chapter so i'm just assuming that the news is the first time you're really revealing to the reader everything that's happened to Beth. I wouldn't have the news caster elaborate on the situation. It just seems unlikely that he would due that if he's talking about someone else. My advice is to keep the par...

The first thing i noticed was your tenses. You jumped a lot from present to past. For example, "I opened my mouth to say this, but arguing with Lucifer is usually pretty draining." you used "opened" and "is". It should be either "open" with "is" or "opened" with "was". Lucifer's voice seems a little forced. I can see where you're going with it, the whole well-spoken thing, but it doesn't come natural. I do love Vira's voice, though. Very sassy and sarcastic. The paragraph where you describe G...

I would say the tears "Streaked"her cheeks rather than "stroked". i liked this a lot. Loved the end. Very interesting. However, i feel like i'm missing something. Why? What happened? why was she sitting in a pool of blood? Why was she so upset? And did she stab herself? i would just like a little more explanation so i can understand her pain. it would help me feel for her more. Very nice work. I liked it a lot.

I loved the protagonist. You really captured me with his tone. The sarcastic, smart-ass, mean voice is what hooked me. It really kept my attention from the beginning to the end. The way he got the job seems unrealistic. It doesnt seem likely anyone would just pick a random guy at a bar and give him a job as a hitman. And furthermore, it doesn't seem likely that anyone would take a hitman job from some random guy at a bar. "All i done is made potato salad" FUnny! That made me laugh out loud. I...

I'm curious as to what the murderer whispers. This captured me from the very beginning because somehow I knew something was going to happen. I loved the descriptions in this, especially the paragraph about how sleep didn't seem to do the boy's body justice. It really helps the reader appreciate his calming drives even more. The fact that the boy stopped to help shows me that he was agood person, makes me sympathize with him after he's shot. As does the fact that he isn't dead when the murdere...

This sounds good. You set up a good story. I can imagine there's gonna be a lot of drama which is always good. I did have a problem, though. I feel like this whole excerpt was back story. A lot of people are against back story but i'm not. The only time i have a problem with it is when it slow, or completely stops the story, as it does in this case. Tell the story WHILE you describe the girls and tell about how they met. For example, instead of stopping the story to tell the reader Leslie is ...

I can't get enough of this story. I can't wait until you post more of the beginning. It's nice to read different versions of racial love stories. I hope mine turns out as great as yours. I'm usually not so much into erotica, but i was okay reading yours. Because i know the characters and the way you portray the love between them, their sex scenes aren't just raunchy sex, they're lovemaking and it makes it more special. Especially since they're sharing their "firsts" with each other. The Natio...

WOW. i absolutely LOVED it. I cannot wait to go back and read the rest. I loved the way you portrayed Karim's intense passion for Angel. It really made me WANT her to give into him. But then again, i really like that she didn't and he just took it as a challenge. I can't wait to read more and see how that pans out. I haven't read the previous chapters (which i plan on doing ASAP) but you really made this a clear read. It all made sense, despite the fact that this is the first chapter i'm read...

Love the transition from David to the man in the grey suit. I like the way you compared their intense features. Nice touch. The background information on Angel is a little too much. I would suggest breaking it up a little more throughout future chapters, but the her back story pulls my attention away from the story at hand. Very VERY nice description of the man in the grey suit. I can visualize him perfectly. Ruth Anne sounds like a character. I like your descriptions of her. She and Angel se...

I love the way you describe Karim. Very smooth, about his business, good at what he does. I imagine he's good looking. I love the intense look he always has. Very, very good descriptions. The more i'm reading, the more i'm seeing that you really don't need to elaborate on her interest in literature. You give enough hints, such as her not wanting to go without her books for 6 months and the way she always quotes her favorite authors. No further explanation of her passion is needed. Yes, the it...