Squigglesy's profile

Squigglesy avatar
AGE: 21
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 09

I’m English, started a degree in literature and philosophy this year. I love music: jazz, rock, folk, classical, experimental.

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Items
Poetry / Sunrise
Version 1
2 Reviews   1 Comment
Concrete seagulls, bullied crows, fields that no farmer mows, Wind from turbines in the ground, people lie beneath the mound. Copper morning sky beats down, sun’s eyes peep through golden crowns, Spits of water white as day whistle on their downward way. My mind flits around the scene, in and out and in between, My eyes float on night’s old paint; bruises growing soft and faint.
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Version 2
0 Reviews   0 Comments
I ask myself what saves my Life; Reason’s corpse hid in the night? Reason told me yellow-eyed, “A wretched Life should prob’ly die. Harm can only come of one Whose turning eye and forkèd tongue, Whose face of paste and marble hue At once is here and bids adieu.” Life cantered over bush and brook, Lane and bridge with mirth were shook. Hope’s beyond the distant stile, Forever further, mile on mile. Life raced on until its humour Curdled, twisted to a tumour. Perhaps a passing gorse bush sank N...
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Version 1
0 Reviews   0 Comments
I ask myself what saves my Life; Reason’s corpse hid in the night? Reason told me yellow-eyed, “A wretched Life should prob’ly die. Harm can only come of one Whose turning eye and forkèd tongue, Whose face of paste and marble hue At once is here and bids adieu.” Life cantered over bush and brook, Lane and bridge with mirth were shook. Hope’s beyond the distant stile, Forever further, mile on mile. Life raced on until its humour Curdled, twisted to a tumour. Perhaps a passing gorse bush sank N...
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Version 4
29 Reviews   15 Comments
Characters: RENÉ DESCARTES VOICE MALIGN GENIUS UNICORN TWO SERAPHIM. Props: A French 17thC style wooden desk. A chair of the same style. A large bale of herb resembling marijuana. A brandy bottle shaped container that bounces when dropped. Two clouds on which people can sit, to be lowered from above stage. A rolled cigarette resembling a joint. ............................................................................ (RENÉ DESCARTES walks on stage in appropriate 17thC dress, followed by a ...
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Version 1
2 Reviews   0 Comments
(chorus) If the cold on the mountain turns to rain, The rain makes a stream, The stream makes a river, And the river fills the sea, Why won't this cold leave me? (verse 1) It's been a while since I sailed Through strawberry-flavoured days, My greenhouse has failed And shattered in decay. (verse 2) I've been searching for a muse On icy Mount Parnassus, But the virgin snow I used Has turned to ashes. (bridge) It's so sublime, I've lost myself Beyond even an echo. But, in time, I've found myself...
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Reviews
'I don’t know how we ever “connected,”'; this is a quote, not direct speech. Therefore you should use quotation marks and not speech marks. You also over-use commas; for example, 'that within a few short months I, too, would': the commas around 'too' are unneccessary and complicate the sentence. Also be aware of the length of your sentences. Shortening sentences does not mean that you have to omit ideas; you have to rearrange them to fit less ideas into one sentence unit. Of course, vary betw...
'In his day school barely broached the subject'; this sentence is ambiguous, it needs a comma after 'day'. 'If you want you children to be responsible about sex you have to be too. Responsibility starts at home. So if you’ve been putting off “the talk” with your kids-stop'. You misspelt 'your' as 'you'. Why do these sentences suddenly cut from the action of the story into the author's personal opinions about sex education? Can't you express your views through the medium of the plot? Much of t...
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / A Pocketful of Rye - Part 4
This was just really entertaining. The wit that you manage to fit into such a tight space is amazing; the toccatta and Italian food joke especially. I haven't read the rest of the story, but the idea of a private detective being near a timpanist in itself is amusing. You have just the right balance of detail and plot development, and your ability to keep dialogue flowing is very good.
Novel Treatments / Out of Darkness Chapter2
To start with, the constant use of the present tense is irritating. I think you're trying to create suspense, but the metaphors you use to create atmosphere are either cliched or just awful. 'The door screams in protest' is a standard metaphor that has been used too many times; this first phrase immediately makes me want to stop reading. 'hatred lingers here, oozing from the carpets'; try to make your metaphors more subtle. You need to have an arc of emotion through your story, instead of mak...
Action Adventure / Camp Along The River
I'm no expert on the Old West, but your attention to detail tells me that you've done your research. Obviously this is essential for a realistic historical novel. However, your style of writing made this tiresome to read; you need to vary your sentence structure much more. I think that you're aiming for a sparse style, without any unneccesary flowery language. Still, you'll notice that almmost every sentence starts with a noun, usually the subject of the sentence. Some examples: 'Tom and Fran...