--Moonlight glinted off the battlements of the castle walls. Guards marched down the walkways, making rounds, checking in, mostly doing things guards generally do while guarding on castle walls. In a certain corridor, a troop of such guards marched. They tramped down the hallway in lockstep, not stopping to investigate such things as shadowy alcoves or dark doorways. They got to the end of the hall and turned, continuing their route.-- Normally I would not do something like pick apart your op...

Overall I really like this piece. It stumbles a tiny bit in a couple of spots, in my opinion: --My eyes dilate, seeing the sky of its true void and darkness--"seeing the sky of its" seems like a mistake to me. --Biding my death, not coveting the emotional shores to cover my nascence--I kinda wonder what that means, too. However, mostly it's pretty tight. I've read it through several times today and it seems to have a sort of "radical beat poet" or "mad rapper" sort of feel to it. --Moral inva...

This seems more like a song lyric than a poem to me. The rhyme scheme that you are using seems a little haphazard; it's sort of jerking along, not really working. Should be "it's a wisp of smoke" not "its". And speaking of your opening phrases, the first two lines are not good; the rest of the poem is much better than those first two lines in fact. --Its a wisp of smoke, On which my breath gasp and chokes.-- I would change that somehow. (Should be "gasps" not "gasp" by the way.) It should be ...

This piece is a great example of how a lot of meaning can be packed into just a handful of words--and that's what poetry is all about, right? Though it's certain that quite a bit of work went into it, the effort doesn't show at all. --hearing no sounds as i scream my spirits souls end and bloody pints into its ground-- Bloody... pints...? Spirits souls end...? Anyway, in spite of that little glitch, this is a very professional work that I really enjoyed reading. :D I hope that some day I'll b...

You're having a bit of trouble with mechanical stuff. There are some bright spots in the writing here (more about that later). The story seems to have some promise, but the generally shaky English impedes the reader's progress. --This once vibrant independent planet was now a graveyard for its billions of citizens.-- This is a pretty good opener, but in my opinion some elaboration is needed. It doesn't have to be a lot, maybe a couple of sentences about how the mountains, once alive with tree...

Well... I DO very much want to be nice, and I hope that the author will try to keep that in mind. I am going to say some critical things about this chapter--within the guidelines of what the author deems acceptable as criticism, of course!--but nonetheless critical. If I didn't think there was anything worthwhile at all about this work, I would have passed on it, and if the author has a problem with anything I say here, please feel free to give me a holla and demand further explanation. (I kn...

You have an impressive array of words here, the subject is dramatic, and also it's admirable that you made such an effort to stick to a rhyming scheme. I think that if this poem was trimmed a little it would probably read quite nicely. Here are a few things that sort of jumped out at me: Last line of first stanza WAYYY too many words, and its meaning is a bit confused. If it was a little shorter it would fit better, and its meaning might be a bit more clear. (If someone said to me: "Have you ...

Wow, you're still using present tense for everything... well, if that's your conscious choice then so be it! As long as you can stay in that tense and not switch back and forth, it's all good. The casual tone of the dialog and descriptions are at odds with your character's motive, if she's there at the restaurant to kill a guy. Whether's she's killed scores and scores of people or less than five, as a professional killer is she really going to be so blase about her assignment...? Believabilit...

This is really a fine piece of writing here. :) Though your subject is homely and mundane, the narrative sparkles, bubbles, and sings. It overflows with warm humanity, an exultant voice that speaks to us richly of that happiness that only SEEMS rare because we so seldom really have it, but which is nonetheless accessible to all. In the last few sentences the question of what exactly has made this "just another" day so remarkable for the protagonist is answered: --Maybe it started with my frie...

--"Is the survivor alright," asked Daphne.-- Should be: "Is the survivor all right?" asked Daphne. ("Alright" is not a real word and there is incorrect punctuation at the end of the sentence.) --Daphne grasped Kelan’s right hand as the turbulence increased.-- These people are not very well-trained, or so it seems. This puts too much of a strain on the reader's belief. --Unexpectedly the RV began to stabilize. Along with the pace of their hearts.-- "Along with the pace of their hearts" is a ph...