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RonnieDarko's profile
AGE:
37
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: January 05
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: January 05
My URL
http://www.myspace.com/valleyofthepyramids
Name: Joe
Birthday: Sept 29, 1972
Current Location: Kansas
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Version 1
28 Reviews
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Suzanne It was the winter of 1984 when it happened. That was the year I went to the Summer Olympics in Los Angeles with my mother, Reagan beat Mondale for the presidency, and I gave birth to my first and only child. I was only sixteen at the time and I had no idea how I was going to get by. Looking back I wish I could do it all over again. The man who impregnated me disappeared when I told him I was expecting. When I went to his dorm room to find him in my third trimester, his roommate told m...
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I'm very sorry, but I did not like your story at all. It reaked of pretentiousness and overconfidence. Here are my suggestions... Take the time to explain to your readers who these characters, titles, and places are. You just assume that everyone will know these things and that is not good. I have no idea who "them" is in the first sentence. I have no idea who the LT, AK, Poppers, and starboard are. This alone completely ruined the story for me. Then, I was very confused from the second part ...
50.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
Haha. Very funny. I will actually take these credits as you so blissfully suggested and swallow them whole so that I may reveal a review of my own story. Nice little haiku.
I like the breaks in the poem that say, "And yet you smile." And the rest of the poem was on the verge of being very clever. I just didn't care for the rhyming, it made the whole poem seem forced. Try writing this again just letting the words flow out, not worrying about whether they rhyme. Good luck!
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