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RedBelle's profile
AGE:
35
LOC: Akron, OH
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 26
LOC: Akron, OH
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 26
Good Stuff: retired racing greyhounds, www.livingdonor101.com, frozen cokes, rock music, broccoli, pink & black Converse hi-tops, power tools, racquetball, good books, Duran Duran, the colors red & fuchsia, fleece & cashmere, crab legs, Victoria’s Secret, vodka martinis, kisses.
Or not: snow, conscious stupidity, transplant laws that don’t protect living donors, sushi, spiders, hubris, country and rap music, nascar, memoirs that aren’t, Uggs, self-absorbed SUV/mini-van/HumVee/Pick-up Truck drivers.
I am & have been a living donor advocate (www.livingdonor101.com), therapist, music journalist, editor, small business owner (www.conspicuouschick.com), and freelance writer. So yes, I have publishing credits, but no, I’m not going …
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10 Reviews
3 Comments
In late 2007, my sister Mary’s kidneys failed, and I made the decision to give her one of mine. I did this because relationships contain implicit responsibilities. I also did it because she bought me a music box when I was five years old that played “Talk to the Animals” because I wanted to be a veterinarian. And finally, I did it because my nieces were barely in college and I wanted to spare them the pain of losing their mother, an experience I am well acquainted with becau...
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Version 1
3 Reviews
0 Comments
In late 2007, my sister Mary’s kidneys failed, and I made the decision to give her one of mine. I did this, in short, because she’s my sister and I kind of like her, but I also did it because she bought me a music box that played “Talk to the Animals” when I was five years old because I wanted to be a veterinarian. Mostly, I did it because my nieces were barely in college and I wanted to spare them the pain of losing their mother. I know; I lost mine when I was sevente...
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Version 1
3 Reviews
0 Comments
When my sister Mary’s kidneys faltered, I made the decision to give her one of mine. Though nearly 100,000 people in the U.S. have become living donors, no one has captured the stress and doubt of the rigorous evaluation process, or the absurdity of keeping urine in the refrigerator for 24-hours in a jar that suspiciously resembles a two-liter bottle with a handle. No one admits that being a living donor without a successful outcome makes you a pariah. Not every living donor walks away ...
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This opening reads a like you're trying too hard. "creak open" - nice, but "a vision"? Vision isn't singular or plural, not in the context you're using the word. creak open [comma or semi-colon] his vision marred by an indistinguishable blur. Then cut following sentence. smell of ammonia sept..<- sept?? He could feel trouble swirling <- just say 'Trouble swirled...' and more vomit was sure to follow <- cut and such was the reason for his current plight<- cut The many sacrifices......
First off, it's a 'novel' and not a story. Secondly, list the title of your manuscript if you have one. This first chapter sounds like it's in the middle of the story, and contains a lot of back story, otherwise known as an 'info dump'. It's best to 'show' the reader the character and her world, not provide context in one big swoop. The main character in my story is <-cut You might want to be more specific about her 'strained' home life. Did her parents divorce? Is she being abused? Also, ...
Intriguing beginning; I'm not sure why you only submitted this small section. A few issues to note... getting up to go <- getting up is slang. Consider revising to be more concrete. adjacent from her closet; <- adjacent TO she chirped <- avoid dialog tags. Publishers don't like them. Stick to 'said' whenever possible.
Waking in a bright white padded room <- I think this opening can be stronger. I first mis-read it as 'walking', which is obviously problematic. "Awaking" maybe, or even something more concrete, such as "Finding yourself in a..." The image and idea are great, so punch it up as much as possible. I am not like most people <- cut 'like'. it's sort of a weak word and open to interpretation. Your narrator is "not most people", period. A side effect of a heavy drug addiction that I had been do...
50.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
as though asking ‘why me,<- cut Retrieving the keys quickly,<- watch your adverbs, they're usually unnecessary. This one is. She knew the unique deep green stunned. <- you mean 'stunning' as an adjective, not 'stunned' as a verb. Otherwise, consider 'mesmerizing' typical public school grounds, <- cut 'typical'. It's unnecessary and misleading wind in her sails floundered.<- I suspect this is just in keeping with your Christopher Columbus motif, but 'wind in her sails' is pretty...
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