Ray's profile
AGE:
29
LOC: Houma, LA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: June 22
LOC: Houma, LA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: June 22
I am a 25 yr.old male livingin Louisiana. Ihave been writing for about seven years now and have met with someacclaim in my usual circle of asociates. I tend to write in a fantasy vain. Inspired by such greats as R.A.Salvatore, Ed Greenwood, Margaret Wies, Jean Rabe, etc. Ilong to build a world much like those they have created. Filled with love, hate, war, tragedy, etc. I decided to join this group to gain feedback on my writings. So please crit the hell outta me. All critcism is constructive if you take it the way it’s intended, I find.
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Chapter one; Defining Moments A small needle of light penetrated the blinds of the darkened room, and slowly, like some serpent, it slivered its way across the bedroom floor, over dirty laundry and old papers until it reached the edge of a very unkempt bed. Undeterred, it moved upward, settling at last atop of the mattress and in the eyelid of the room’s only occupant. Rolling over and throwing his pillow over his head, Brian Dickerson tried desperately to avoid the beam that threatened to wa...
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Chapter one; Defining Moments A small needle of light penetrated the blinds of the darkened room, and slowly, like some serpent, it slivered its way across the bedroom floor, over dirty laundry and old papers until it reached the edge of a very unkempt bed. Undeterred, it moved upward, settling at last atop of the mattress and in the eyelid of the room’s only occupant. Rolling over and throwing his pillow over his head, Brian Dickerson tried desperately to avoid the beam that threatened to wa...
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Version 2
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Chapter 5 Where the heart is. The cigarette fell from her fingers to the ground below. It hit hard, its cherry exploding into a thousand little embers in the dirt. Exhaling the smoke in her lungs with a sigh she looked to the horizon, it’s blues, purples, pinks, oranges, and gold’s, all merging together creating a kind of chaotic tranquility. The sun was setting; soon she would have to be home. She had already ignored it the last five times her cell phone rang its catchy little tune. Her pare...
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Chapter two; A mother’s love The blood still warm on his hands, Brian ducked into a small copse of trees to catch his breath and consider what had just happened. He could hear the sirens of police cars and ambulances heading towards the school. Soon, if not already, they would be heading his direction. He wondered what was happing at this moment, had his mother been called yet? How would she handle what they would surely tell her? For that matter, how would the Cartwright’s handle the news o...
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Chapter 5 Where the heart is. The cigarette fell from her fingers to the ground below. It hit hard, its cherry exploding into a thousand little embers in the dirt. Exhaling the smoke in her lungs with a sigh she looked to the horizon, it’s blues, purples, pinks, oranges, and gold’s, all merging together creating a kind of chaotic tranquility. The sun was setting; soon she would have to be home. She had already ignored it the last five times her cell phone rang its catchy little tune. Her pare...
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I am not a pro by far but the only real problem that I saw throuh all of this was the overusage of proper nouns when words like she, her, him, they, etc. That is basicaly it. Other than that good job.
Good overall concept. Imagery was well done and plot moved nicely. There were some spelling errors that word can not find "a part" you put should be "apart" Other than minor problems like that it was an excellent read. Just read through it slowly and make sure you eliminate the typos.
First problem was the first sentence. Break it up. Maybe five or six hours have passed since she left me here. Time’s done nothing to stop that cheap perfume she wears from lingering amongst the sheets, or breathing it’s way through the walls. I can even smell the stench on my own skin each time that October breeze comes in through the bedroom window, or when I put my hands to my face to try and stop the tears. The periods make it flow better. Run-on sentences should never be in writing. The ...
Good revision here. Just enough description to the narrative to complement not compesate. The only problem I saw was a small amount of repetition, as seen here for example. (by a seer named Taleth. She was a rather minor figure in the history of Teleria who had gained a small reputation as a seer in her day.) I would like to see more variety in your choice of description. Seer is used twice here. Try prohet the second time. It works to the same effect. Thanks, Ray
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