i read this earlier, and this is definitely a cleaner version. Not that i have any right to critque grammar, beacause i always submit a rough draft. Either way, well done.

you said you wanted style, adn to be frank wiht you, your style is kickass. I love it... keep up the good work. The plot seems to be moving smoothly. As far as loved ones pushing you to write... that's the best thing they can encourage you to do. If you never do you passion, you're wasting your time here. Good story, and i'll look forward to more.

I often use big words, but i actually had to look up a few in this song. It's very well written, and flows nicely from beginning to end. Looking forward to reading more of your work.

there's a lot of dialouge in this, and not too much narrative, but it's still a good start. maybe try and add a few more descriptions to give it that extra feel. pretty good... i'll look forward to reading more.

i could definitely feel what the character was feeling throughout this piece. it's a very powerful work you've got going here, and i think it has great potential. i'm interested to see where it goes, and how you plan to work with it further. very nice job with this.

the ending is hysterical... great quality in the humor here. I'm enjoying the dialouge, i just think it's a bit much.... although, sometimes it's necessary in certain places more than others. i'm sure you'll feel it out and decide what's best.... although more of a narrative might be a little break for the reader. I'll look forward to reading more.

one thing i noticed is that the tenses in the story change a little too frequently. Perhaps i didnt follow, but it seems to jump from past tense to present sporadically. Otherwise, i like the plot you've got here. I think it's something that has great potential with some few minor grammar errors and such. for the most part, nice job.

oh, beautiful. the first paragraph in itself captured me and made me feel as though i knew the characters. please continue, and i'm surely adding this to my favorites. wonderful descriptions... wondeful plot and story all in all. great job with this.

the second verse is beautiful. this is a lovely poem, and i'm sure so many of us can apply it to our loved ones. great job with this!

what a clever little tale you have here. The introduction is the perfect way of opening this scene, and the closing wraps it up nicely. I'm a stickler about summing up a story/chapter... it has to be perfect. It all fits and flows nicely. As for the dialouge, it's pretty believable and real.