Thanks so much for submitting. My general impressions of this chapter are that it is well written. The setting is realistic although it could use more of Eisenbraun's personal point of view to make it more alive. The plot starts slowly but builds to a satisfying conclusion. The characters were well developed through POV as well as dialogue and I would read more of this story to see where it goes. Keep writing!

Thanks so much for submitting. I have read Michael Connelly and Thomas Harris for years and enjoy the FBI/thriller/mystery as much as anyone else. The thing that distinguishes these writers from the pack is their meticulous research and their ability to give you a behind the scenes look at the world of criminal investigation and the FBI. They also have extremely compelling hooks. In the Silence of the Lambs we meet Clarice Starling on her morning run around Quantico and then she gets called i...

Thanks so much for submitting. I think this chapter really gets started with, Rachel definitely wasn’t an early riser or a morning person. Everything before that is unnecessary and slows the story down. I thought the dialogue was good but the setting could use some more detail. Also, please void emptey sentences like, She was a smart girl, certainly not stupid. Just say she was a smart girl, or show her being smart. Giving your number to a complete stranger might make her stupid, depending on...

Thanks for submitting. This chapter has an interesting premise driving it, but I felt the execution was a bit lacking. It starts off to slow, there are some spontaneous tense changes you have to watch out for and you could do a better job at describing David's current situation. As I understand it, he is a man, frustrated by the life he is livig and the life he could have had had he not been hurt. And the events of this day are going to change his life. So I got the point, but you should expl...

Thanks for submitting. I think you have a compelling if not done before plot on display here, but several problems prevent you from successfully achieving your objectives with this short story. First point, the dialogue between Ellis and William often feels forced and unrealistic. It improved as the piece progressed but you need to unstiffen the dialogue in the beginning. Second point, I can tell this was adapted from a novel because of the amount of backstory. For a short story like this one...

My grnadmother is screaming right about now. That last line was hellified for sure. Overall I really enjoyed this because of the characterization. You did a great job of projecting Harry's self-loathing onto the people in his life. The love hate pull between Harry and Caroline was very raw and very real. Top marks for description as I could see this scene play out before my eyes. Watch out for awkward sentences like, my phone was vibrating on the dresser across the room and I knew Caroline wa...