You mention no punctuation comments, but do menmtion flow. The two are related, of course, but below i have only listed physical changes to the text where i feel it would meet the goals you stipulate (and yoou don’t have to ‘pay’ me for it either!) sanctuary, his mask has been shattered, and his face is horribly disfigured < Consider: ‘...his mask shattered, his face horribly disfigured.’ Great first sentence though. A timer < the timer better? floor, and he < floor; he loses makiras...

In my very possibly incorrect opinion: - On L2 consider the word ‘even’ either before or after ‘when’ - L3 inject comma before ‘yes’ - consider decapitalising in line with the conceptual content. For example, first line of L4 - consider new stanza at ‘still though’, and then decapitalise again for rest of poem in line with previous comment - consider deleting the word ‘mental’ on L6. It’s not a bad word or phrase, it’s just the syllables are a bit awkward within that region. Doing this would ...

With the intensions < i think ‘intention’ is better, as ‘the intentions’ sounds like we already know about those intensions Ambiiguity in the first two sentences. By saying ‘his best days’ we then expect that he REPEATEDLY tried to ‘travel to the pacific’. It then comes as a surprise that ‘he never made it’, as this would then mean he ‘repeatedly never made it’. It therefore becomes unclear whether he 1) repeatedly tried to go there and failed once, 2) repeatedly tried to go there and fail...

i actually really enjoyed this. good humour, such as the comment about baptizing hobos. several things were slightly unclear: 1. why is the poo in a ballroom? < is this the ballroom of a house? it's just we don't expect a ballroom in a house, so i assume just rich, but might be better provide more background 2. i don't think a ferret would stink out an entire ballroom within the space of one day, as seemed tobe the case. 3. to really care about the ferret, i think you should maybe do more ...

Semicolon before ‘glass would have shattered’ You switch to ‘I’ – do you mean you are one of the characters here? just seems to switch from omniscient to first personal slightly abruptly. Perhaps begin by making it clearer in the (otherwise excellent) first sentence that you (‘I’) are the narrator, not omniscient. But the ‘I’ also seems in conflict with the idea of it being a surprise of it being a boy having the voice, since it seems to distance your perception from that of the (potentially ...

You can spell miniscule both ways (see dictionary.com) Right this way, dear < ‘right, this way, dear’ OR ‘right, this way dear’ (unless it is to the right, as in ‘not left’, but i think you mean as in ‘OK then, this way’ Try to ‘tell’ less in the intro. ‘old’ might be ‘grey haired, hobbling’ for example (plus, you already do a good job with ‘skeletal hand’ so it’s a shame to rob your own description with the preceding ‘telling’ Gesturing into < gesturing towards (otherwise sounds like h...

I saw a hemmosexual woman recently - she had scissored all but one vertical portion of her dress away, polo-mint-style. Personally I would - with immense maturity of thought, with supremely inimitable wit - transpose the sentence, to read: Imagine man and woman, in a room, perhaps in bed, perhaps not, then imagine them doing sex, coming towards each other with amorous sensations in their loins. Simply outstanding. 10/10 PS: I like this invention of 'Imagine...' - gonna try one myself.

i think 'deceased ancestry' might have been a more amusing final line. this aside, it's a peculiar image. i'm not really that sure what you're going from with this one. i guess the image is neither that exciting, and nor is there that 'magical transition' that makes a select portion of haikus so successful. i think picking a characteristic other than 'brown-eyed' that ties in with the final line or second line might work better. bottom line is, it's not really a haiku for me, other than that ...

Nice title. I'd abbreviate to 'you're' not 'you are'. L2 I'd consider simply 'Or noisy', then inject semicolon before 'I can't tell'. The reason for the abovew abbreviations is that the added formality of untruncated word groupings appears awkward unless you are getting any rhythmical/ syllabic benefit from such longitude. I do like the conveying of awkwardness in L1 and L2. I like the remainder of the poem in that some sort of potential conflict is hinted at before that, but it then seems to...

Owing to the machine-gun fire of adjectives in the first half a second of your piece, i would at least consider injecting a comma, subtracting a word or two, or changing word sequence to enable a more natural flow. personally, i'd write: - The dull red glimmer from the overhead bulb made very little impact on the black-painted walls. i inserted 'very' because otherwise the rearrange has poor flow in that regin. i deleted one word 'red' since saying it twice seems unnecessary, and words like '...