Phantasmagoria's profile

Grammar - OK. Narrator = mirror, this was clear to me by the line "Cadence avoided looking at me". Main character = the narrator. Cadence is effectively personality-less. Just another stoic guard, no quirks, or flaws to distinguish her. Whereas the narrator is very present in, almost all consuming of, the text. Horror - no. The concept of being trapped in a mirror for all eternity definitely has horror potential, but it is not exploited in this piece. No part particularly stood out to me. The...

I think one of this piece's strengths is its weakness. The language is rich, flowery almost. But too much of this sort of language is cloying. Hard work. Fine line to tread, I'm not saying don't use language this way, just don't over use it. The story gets through and works well. I liked it. Occasionally it felt like you were mixing past and present tenses in a clumsy way.

Could find much to find fault with. A couple of spelling/grammar finds. "... will in it's entirety..." -> its "It's been only..." -> It had been "husbands desk" -> husband's desk What I wouldn't mind seeing is a little more around Roseline's birth. The labour seems to be glossed over. It might have been nice to give some more to this as an emotional memory. Surely Aunt Rosetta would have come into the delivery room to support Clara. So far the baby seems a little incidental.

Sorry I didn't read this all the way through, but I was finding it a little hard to read. There is too much dialogue. I reads like a playscript, not prose. Also it's almost 100% exposition, almost no description, a little characterisation. Pad it out with actions and descriptions, make it more than just a Q&A session.

The addition of that last section to tie it up and give the overview just pulls the piece together nicely. Decided improvement from the first draft. The only addition I can suggest is to end it on a punchier line. A pithy one liner quote from one of the saps who got arrested or similar.