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NightWynde's profile
AGE:
40
LAST LOGIN: June 27
LAST LOGIN: June 27
I bookmarked urbis a while ago and then stumbled upon it again on a fluke. I’m not quite sure what I’ll do here, but starting by reviewing quotes seemed like a good idea.
I’m also interested in reviewing horror, dark fantasy, or soft sf shorts, so if you have one in need of critique, I’d love to see it. I’m always interested in reading items from writers I’ve never heard of before.
Finally, if you really want to weird yourself out, check out my blog titled “Sometimes I Scare Myself” at http://brigitta-m.blogspot.com/
Reviews
I like where this ended up-- it seems like Harold is turning against vampires here. My only complaint is that it still needs to be fleshed out a bit more. You do a lot of "telling" where you need to "show" instead. For example, you said "His Catholic parents established a routine of prayer, worship, and penance that haunted Harold even to this day." This could probably be skipped while you added more detail to things like his knees hurting as he resentfully recited Hail Mary's, and a bit more...
I like the rhythm here, it's very Dr. Seuss, not exactly what I'd expect from a short about time loops and alternate dimensions but that makes it fresh and fun, so I hope you don't lose that if you decide to add in a bit more detail. Nothing much, just so the reader gets a sense of place beyond empty room and...um...how many characters were there? I got the Unbreakable and was it more than one other or...huh?
You start out really strong (I like the references to "eye of newt, hemlock bark and mandrake root) but the middle kind of drags, perhaps if you tightened up the cadence? Or flowed better from one concept to the next? As for the ending, it's a bit abrupt. Overall though, it is an amusing piece that's worth honing to perfection.
A vast improvement over the original draft, so I'll just show you some line edits that can really make this piece shine. :) "She was in a room. A damp odor welcomed her bitterly." I'd skip these two lines. The first one is neither in her POV (as we discover later since she really has no idea where she is until she removes the blindfold). The second one lies flat on the page, not a good place to start (perhaps mention this odor along with the humming of the air conditioner since this is a prob...
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