non-fiction is not my first choice, but you showed me up here. a good chuckle at the end :) the use of brackets is distracting. the first two were qualifying things you had either already said or hinted at, so i would suggest get rid of them completely. the story is good enough without them. the sentence "We handed it two (to) him (a ten apiece- the bottom of our collective wallet)" could be re-written to still show the action and their combined poverty without the parenthesis. check the rest...

Some comments may be off considering I haven’t read the previous 15 chapters, so please do with them as you will :) Good idea, breaking them up for skimming over though. The story is likeable, but felt no actual affinity to any of the characters. With the odd exception, they all sounded similar. Most noticeable exception was Ash (Adie, is that you? *grin*), but even she went out of character a few times. Try highlighting all speech of one character and read them out aloud. See if you can hear...

i read this to myself, then to my 3 kids (10, 7 & 4). we pretty much agreed on the same things. the story was thoroughly enjoyable and the grumlies are vivid and adorable. mice cream drew a chuckle and vera and the dust bunny were firm favourites. the word choices could be refined a little for target market, but not too much. new words for them are great to explore. especially loved mellifluous. sentence length in places could be looked at as well. beginning with 'all sorts of grumlies' but o...

in my opinion (and others may disagree), this is definitely not a short story. in an edited version, this could possibly work as a poem. you use sight, sound, smell and touch. this is a good thing, but it feels as though you want to hammer the reader with what you are seeing. a few simple lines can set the scene for the reader. you tell the reader what each compass point means, instead of showing them. use an analogy or two and a reader will understand exactly what you mean. always assume the...

Immediate hook and a rare pleasure to read. Tony is described wonderfully – oddly reminded me of reading Sophie’s Choice. Certainly publishable, strong writing – and at this level of talent, my comments are merely nitpicks for you to take or leave as you wish. Talking to Tony’s father - the reference to the island confused me. Perhaps lead into it a little clearer without giving the rest away too much. When the narrator resolved to write a letter, I thought he would launch into it. Maybe say ...

Again, a great story with a good moral brought across using entertaining and identifiable characters. Just little nitpicks and comments available :) “diagnosed and medicated” sounds odd, clumsy. Maybe just say “fixed”. I’m not too sure about referring to Tommy’s ancestors being liars. It almost negates responsibility and the information is perhaps superfluous to the story. Ma and Pa Tooter were wonderfully described just by using their voices. A little clarity on sewer bears: “...waiting to s...

In contrast to v1, this one is structured better and the story is now more immediate. As you know, I like the story. So many short stories are either too trite or long-winded. You give the reader a lovely glimpse of an ordinary person in the future and both versions of ‘Terminal’ left me smiling. Now, as painful as it can be, you need to cut. This is standard fare for any writer and you may find yourself re-writing another story ten times, so don’t be afraid to hammer where needs be – althoug...

The story line has me intrigued. I think you have a good grasp of your characters, the world and their history together. I would love to see how you show Bram using his skills... It needs quite a bit of editing though. for example: "My excitement of..." should be "at" also, cut out unnecessary words, for example: "...wanted to apologize (to him) for..." Try avoid using -ing words: "The elevator stopped, Shayne stepping out first." Try "...stopped and Shayne stepped out." or "As Shayne stepped...