NiSp's profile

The story line has me intrigued. I think you have a good grasp of your characters, the world and their history together. I would love to see how you show Bram using his skills... It needs quite a bit of editing though. for example: "My excitement of..." should be "at" also, cut out unnecessary words, for example: "...wanted to apologize (to him) for..." Try avoid using -ing words: "The elevator stopped, Shayne stepping out first." Try "...stopped and Shayne stepped out." or "As Shayne stepped...

In contrast to v1, this one is structured better and the story is now more immediate. As you know, I like the story. So many short stories are either too trite or long-winded. You give the reader a lovely glimpse of an ordinary person in the future and both versions of ‘Terminal’ left me smiling. Now, as painful as it can be, you need to cut. This is standard fare for any writer and you may find yourself re-writing another story ten times, so don’t be afraid to hammer where needs be – althoug...

Again, a great story with a good moral brought across using entertaining and identifiable characters. Just little nitpicks and comments available :) “diagnosed and medicated” sounds odd, clumsy. Maybe just say “fixed”. I’m not too sure about referring to Tommy’s ancestors being liars. It almost negates responsibility and the information is perhaps superfluous to the story. Ma and Pa Tooter were wonderfully described just by using their voices. A little clarity on sewer bears: “...waiting to s...

Immediate hook and a rare pleasure to read. Tony is described wonderfully – oddly reminded me of reading Sophie’s Choice. Certainly publishable, strong writing – and at this level of talent, my comments are merely nitpicks for you to take or leave as you wish. Talking to Tony’s father - the reference to the island confused me. Perhaps lead into it a little clearer without giving the rest away too much. When the narrator resolved to write a letter, I thought he would launch into it. Maybe say ...

in my opinion (and others may disagree), this is definitely not a short story. in an edited version, this could possibly work as a poem. you use sight, sound, smell and touch. this is a good thing, but it feels as though you want to hammer the reader with what you are seeing. a few simple lines can set the scene for the reader. you tell the reader what each compass point means, instead of showing them. use an analogy or two and a reader will understand exactly what you mean. always assume the...