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NedR's profile
AGE:
20
LOC: NY, NY
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: December 15
LOC: NY, NY
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: December 15
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Version 1
13 Reviews
1 Comment
I Things Get Weird Whoever invented the phrase "sweet sixteen" should be shot. Because despite what the movies tell you, and despite the revisionist history being written by everyone more than a decade out of high school, being sixteen isn't about dances, tooling around in your convertible and one milkshake with two straws. No, sixteen is about Purgatory: the middle of high school, once all the gloss has rubbed off but before the end is anywhere in sight. Sixteen is about punishingly dull SA...
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The poem develops well and has an interesting premise, but I feel like sometimes you're making some awkward contortions to fit the rhyme scheme - for instance, the phrase "you must akin," doesn't make any sense to me. I would suggest changing the rhyme scheme, allowing yourself to be a little looser with it, or possibly ditching it entirely.
I really like the writing style here - it reminds me a little bit of Jack Kerouac's prose poetry in that it seems like it's begging to be read aloud in a conversational, slightly wistful tone. The one thing that hurts the clarity of it in my mind is that the reader doesn't know how old the protagonist is until the second stanza - I would try to incorporate that into the first stanza so it doesn't come as such a surprise. For some reason, the casual tone in which the poem is being narrated mad...
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